Misogynists ‘must get consent’ before speaking

MISOGYNISTS will be required to get consent before boring people with their predictable anti-women opinions, the government has announced.

Anyone wishing to discuss topics such as ‘feminazis’ and men being turned into second-class citizens will have to first make sure other people have agreed to it.

A government spokesman said: “From now on misogynists must obtain consent to launch into tired rants about biased family courts, women committing domestic violence too, or entirely imaginary situations such as feminists demanding 50% of the SAS is female.

“If consent is not given they must immediately shut the fuck up. ‘No’ means ‘no’.”  

Office worker Tom Logan said: “It’s a good idea because last night my weird colleague Tony somehow turned an enjoyable pub conversation about Captain Pugwash into a really grim argument about false rape accusations.

“Also I’m sure my son isn’t being ‘feminised’ by female primary school teachers, because mainly he seems to be learning to draw bloodthirsty pictures of stick men killing each other.”

However misogynist Roy Hobbs said: “Fortunately there’s a place where I can still discuss how dreadful women are, which is called ‘the entire internet’.”

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Sherwood and Rodgers form crime fighting duo

TIM Sherwood and Brendan Rodgers will drive around the country solving mysteries, they confirmed yesterday.

The duo have launched a detective agency called ‘Rodwood’, promising to deliver their special brand of justice wherever they are needed.

Rodgers said: “Each week I will have three envelopes, one of which will contain the name of the criminal we’re after and the other two will have a series of excuses why we didn’t catch them.

“We’re hoping for a 61% conviction rate, which is enough to put you in the top four of crimefighting duos alongside your Dalziel & Pascoes and your Rosemary & Thymes.”

For their first case, a series of small bandstand fires in a Carlisle park, Rodgers has asked the local authority for a budget of sixty million pounds to assemble a team of promising young detectives from across Europe, as well as Joe Allen.

Sherwood said: “Tim Sherwood will get results because Tim Sherwood does not know the meaning of the word ‘failure’, despite the numerous chances Tim Sherwood has recently had to find out.”