Miss Cornwall Stripped Of His Title

THE winner of the Miss Cornwall beauty contest has been stripped of the title after he turned out to be from Devon.

Bill McKay, 38, claimed he was from Truro but actually lives in Tiverton.

McKay, an unemployed pipe fitter, was due to represent the county in the finals of the Miss England contest in August. He has now returned the £2000 prize money and a 12 month modelling contract.

He said: “It was a foolish mistake, but when I only got as far as the third qualifying round of Miss Devon I was desperate to keep my dream alive.

“I put a false address on the form and I also ticked the box confirming that I have only ever had one set of grandparents.

“Even then I didn’t think I would win. There are some really lovely looking blokes in Cornwall.”

Event organiser Roy Hobbs said it was the biggest shock to hit the Miss Cornwall contest since 1977, when it was won by a woman.

He added: “Oh, she was a corker. Graceful, elegant and with thick, hairy arms and a strong moustache.

“I loved her so, but she was already betrothed to her uncle Brian. I’ll never forget you Fern Britton.”

The Miss Cornwall crown will be transferred to first runner up Wayne Hayes, a mackerel wiper from Padstow, while the second prize now goes to a six year-old Great Dane called Ian.


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Unemployed Told To Climb Down Rabbit Hole To Magical Land Of Jobs

THE unemployed are to be relocated to a magical land full of talking
animals and cute, furry
jobs, the government has confirmed.

Welfare secretary Ian Duncan Smith has opened a rabbit hole portal to the realm of Bilbon where delightful, waistcoat-wearing mammals form lifelong friendships with wise old trees.

In echoes of a speech given in the 1980s by his dad, Mr Duncan Smith said that jobseekers who were not prepared to leave this dimension were being ‘unrealistic’.

He added: “The people of Bilbon are crying out for hard-working humans to perform any number of well-paid whimsical fairytale tasks, such as working in the floating castle where dreams are made, or picking and processing the cartoon fruit that run around on little human legs getting up to all sorts of hi-jinks.

“It is the diametric opposite of Sheffield.”

Jobseekers who refuse to relocate to Bilbon will have their benefits
stopped until they are forced to squat in the dreary council house they
have been defiling for the last 20 years.

Unemployed man Tom Logan said: “I’ve been out of work for so long I’ve started referring to certain episodes of Murder She Wrote as ‘classics’. Plus I keep catching hepatitis from the touch-screen monitor in the job centre. Sorry, ‘Job Centre Plus’.

“Anyway, I’m ready to try the annoying-sounding fairy place. I don’t relish the prospect but on the other hand I’ve always quite fancied the Caramel rabbit. I reckon she’d be very bendy.”

However Bilbon pensioner and pipe-smoking badger Bill McKay, said: “Despite being a talking animal with half moon spectacles perched on the end of my nose, I have unremittingly strident views on immigration and you’ll find that many of my fantastical friends feel the same.

“Bilbon is only a magical land of joy and wonder because we’ve managed to keep all them fuckin’ gypos out.”