Moat Killed By Cabal Of Secret Tory Billionaires

RAOUL Moat was executed on behalf of a group of Tory billionaire businessmen whose names you will never know, it was claimed last night.

According to some of Britain’s most respected bloggers, Moat had become too dangerous to the secret establishment that controls every aspect of your life and had to die in a way that made it look as if he was just some nutcase.

Roy Hobbs, senior investigative correspondent at, said: “It would have been organised by Murdoch, obviously.

“He would have picked up the phone to Andy Coulson in Downing Street who would have had a quiet word with a guy at MI6 who would have given the contract to an operative in Marseille who would then have brought in some hired hands from Turkey, possibly Morocco.

“Meanwhile, the media lap up this cover story about an angry bouncer who beats up kids, guzzles steroids and loves guns.

“Oh, and by the way, it is so obvious that a Sun reporter concocted those rambling, confessional letters full of threats and madness to make Moat look like your typical, self-pitying, narcissistic twat.

“And I absolutely guarantee that none of those men you saw on the news were policemen. They were all Corsican mafia. Look, I’ve drawn this diagram.”

He added: “We’re through the looking glass here people. Black is white and
white is black.”

Bill McKay, a tool from Doncaster, said: “The guy who was shot in Gateshead wanted to end the multi-billion pound war in Afghanistan that maintains the power of the military-industrial complex controlled by JCB and Asda. He had to die and Moat was just a pansy.

“The real autopsy results of both men will show that they were killed with a single shot from a high-powered, German manufactured Mauser, the weapon of choice among former members of the French Foreign Legion. This has got Jonathan Aitken written all over it.”

He added: “And you’ll notice that Moat supposedly ‘shot himself’ in the middle of the night. But any ballistics expert will tell you that’s actually the best time to shoot someone if you don’t want anyone to else to see.”


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Gratuitous Donkey Torture All Round

JOYFUL crowds spilled onto the streets of Spain last night as the nation celebrated its World Cup victory with a traditional bout of doing unspeakable things to donkeys.

Minutes after the winning goal was scored by someone who was once linked with a move to Chelsea, the mayor of Madrid appeared in the city’s main square and kicked a specially selected donkey right up the testicles.

In Valencia, members of the local coastguard draped flags and scarves on a trio of donkeys, herded them to the top of the city’s highest bell tower and then pushed them into a shark tank.

And in Seville, donkeys were attached to giant fireworks and sent soaring into the night sky before landing on the outskirts of the city with a dull, wet thud.

Footballologist, Tom Logan, said: “Spain play with such beauty and such passion. In many ways it is a living embodiment of this beautiful, passionate country. And they’re also brilliant at fucking-up donkeys.”

Meanwhile it has emerged that match referee Howard Webb flew to Holland last night in his ongoing quest to book absolutely every single Dutch person.

Dismissing Dutch threats of a lifetime pornography ban, Webb started taking names the moment he arrived at Schiphol Airport, before showing the yellow card to his taxi driver, a group of frightened school children and everyone in the lobby of the Amstelveen Ramada.

It is understood Webb’s to-do list also includes Amsterdam-born guitar hero Eddie Van Halen, Emmanuelle star Sylvie Kristel and Olympic swimmer Pieter van den Hoogenband.

Match of the Day pundit Alan Hansen backed Webb while urinating on a Dutch flag and demanding the exhumation and imprisonment of the little boy who saved the Netherlands from a devastating flood by sticking his finger in a beefy, short-haired woman.

In the UK, football fans said that while the final had some top quality violence, they spent most of the match applauding the cameraman whose job it is to scan the crowd for tasty-looking birds, before going to bed scared and confused by the BBC’s inexplicable homage to District 9.

But the biggest cheer of the night went to the last-minute appearance of former president Nelson Mandela, allowing official stand-in Morgan Freeman to go back to his hotel room and watch Hot Tub Time Machine.

Juan Luis Allagro, a football fan and cruelty enthusiast from Cadiz, added: “It is a great day. I cannot wait until our heroes return from South Africa and hurl baby donkeys from the open-topped bus.”