Mobile phone salesman looks like he might actually hit you

A SALES assistant gives the impression he might turn violent if people do not buy the mobile phone he wants them to.

Martin Bishop quickly moves from ‘upselling’ a more expensive phone to verbal bullying and finally looking as if he is about to start throwing punches.

Customer Tom Logan said: “I’d only popped in to replace my old Nokia but this really aggressive guy kept showing me expensive ones and saying ‘You don’t want a piece of shit!’.

“I said I was just looking for a basic phone but within seconds he was shoving something the size of a small widescreen TV in my face and shouting ‘Let’s get your contract signed!’.

“When I tried to explain I didn’t really need a massive iPhone he started bouncing around and getting right in my face like some psycho trying to start a fight outside a kebab shop.  

“He really caught me by surprise and I started thinking maybe I was the one being a twat for not getting a good phone.

“In the end I didn’t get the most expensive one but I did spend £200 more than I’d planned. Still, it’s better than getting my head kicked in, and apparently you can edit films on it.”

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Couple who spunked £25k on wedding want some help with a house deposit

A NEWLYWED couple who spent £25,000 on their wedding want someone to give them money for a house.

Tom and Emma Logan, who had an idyllic barn wedding for 190 of their closest friends and family members with shitloads of doves and a celebrity DJ, currently live in a rented one-bedroom flat overlooking a roundabout. 

Tom Logan said: “Our wedding was the best day of our lives. You can’t put a price on things like that, although at the same time it did cost 25 grand.

“Now we want a house and Emma’s mum is too tight give us hers. So unless the government gives us a cheque we’re going to start one of those internet funding things.

“After all, you do want us to be happy, don’t you?”

Emma Logan agreed: “Everyone who came to the wedding got a free ice cream, from an actual ice cream van. That cost three grand although in retrospect we probably could have haggled that down to a couple of hundred quid.

“It’s very unfair that we now don’t have any money, after giving away ice cream at an event that was in no way a massive ego trip inspired by bullshit ITV2 programmes.”