Momentum member thinks he's in the resistance or something

A MAN who has been leafleting for Labour campaign group Momentum is convinced he’s going to ‘dismantle the system from the inside’.

Martin Bishop has attended three meetings in a drafty church hall and been to a banner-making workshop, and believes his ‘mission’ to help get Jeremy Corbyn into power is as dangerous and courageous as the fight against the Nazi occupation of France.

Bishop said: “Momentum are the only group who can crush the political elite, secretly infiltrating the establishment like a Trojan horse full of people like me who are really quite cross.

“They’re going to change this country one protest at a time and I’m going to help them, unless it’s raining.

“It’s a war against the establishment and I’m on the front line. Oh no, hang on. I mean I’m part of the underground, fighting the evil capitalist oppressors from the bottom up. Or the inside out.

“Whichever way it is, it’s still war. Not an actual war with actual fighting or anything though. That would be scary.”

Bishop’s girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “I’m going to have to dump him. He was honestly more attractive when he was into World of Warcraft.”

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Are you a smug dickhead homeowner?

ENJOY curling up on your massive sofa as you survey your tasteful living room? Then you could be a smug dickhead homeowner. Take this test to find out. 

What is your sofa like?

A) A cheapish padded oblong bought for its ability to hide stains.

B) A bright velvet ‘signature piece’ on which you leave out books and newspapers as though they’ve just been read even though you just watch Netflix whilst eating sea salt and arseholes flavoured popcorn? 

What kind of bath do you have?

A) A bog standard plastic surround bath.

B) A roll-top bath that for some reason you’ve decided to put in your bedroom in which you soak for hours wondering whether or not you should start a blog about puddings.

What colour are your walls?

A) I hadn’t thought about it until I read this. Blue? White? I’ll have to go and check.

B) Grey because it’s fashionable even though it makes the house look like an open prison.

Is there a glass structure attached to your house?

A) Yes, a leaky conservatory that the previous owner probably died in.

B) We constructed an elegant yet contemporary ‘reflection space’ with factory style glass doors, hanging plants and a large grey stone Buddha. It’s where we do coke at weekends.

Mostly As – Congratulations you are bog standard.  

Mostly Bs – Congratulations you’re an intolerably smug pretentious prick of a homeowner. When can we come and have a nose around?