Money saving tips ‘cause you to die alone’

DEVOTING your life to money-saving tips will cause you to die alone and unloved, experts have warned.

Relationship experts have found that it is impossible to love someone who is constantly hoarding ‘25p off’ coupons and rationing the use of the tumble dryer.

Counsellor Donna Sheridan said: “There’s a line between ‘sensible’ and ‘weird’, and saving three quid by buying Christmas crackers in January crosses it.

“Nobody wants a person like that in their life.”

Miser Tom Logan said: “You’d think women would be attracted to money-saving men because they’d look after their family’s finances. Although I don’t want kids because toys are expensive plus you have to heat another bedroom.”

Fellow scrimper Mary Fisher said: “Not one person has responded to my internet dating profile. Maybe under ‘interests’ I shouldn’t have put ‘collecting Domestos coupons’.

“I was engaged to a lovely man  but we split up when I found him throwing away slivers of soap instead of squishing them together to make a new, slightly hairy bar.

“I wonder if Martin Lewis is single? I’d look on the internet but the neighbours have changed their password.”

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Petition to stop demolition of Glasgow hits 30

A PETITION to stop Glasgow being razed to the ground has reached 30 signatures and is hoping to hit 50 by the weekend.

The Scottish city is scheduled to be demolished next month to make way for a large, empty space. Authorities had assumed the plan would go ahead unopposed.

But Carolyn Ryan, a sales manager from Plymouth,  launched an online petition demanding a reprieve for the city she visited 12 years ago and quite liked.

Ryan said: “I thought I’d maybe get five or 10 people to sign up, mostly friends and relatives. I was stunned when it reached 20 after just six days.

“When it reached 30 I knew it had really gone ‘viral’. Maybe Billy Connolly or Lulu might pick up on it and it could rocket to 70.”

She added: “I realise we’ve no hope of stopping the demolition, but it’s important to know that a few dozen people are vaguely annoyed.”