Starbucks staff allowed to draw erections on cups

BARISTAS at Starbucks are permitted to draw erect penises on attractive customers’ cups, it has emerged.

After it was revealed that Pret staff can hand out free coffees, Starbucks claimed that it was leading the way in sexually-manipulative hot drinks.

A spokesman said: “It’s a way of letting a customer know that you like them and would enjoy intercourse with them, which can really brighten their day.

“Our guidelines state that the penis should be in ‘basic school textbook’ style, just cock and balls with a horizontal line for the bellend. Strictly no pubes.

“However we ask staff to do maximum three cock drawings a day, to keep it special.”

Starbucks confirmed that the penis graphic applied to male and female staff, as there is no universally recognised doodle for female sexual arousal.

Customer Nikki Hollis said: “When I picked up my latte from the counter there was this weird picture on it, at first I thought it was a cormorant or some sort of sea bird.

“When I asked the barista what it meant he said ‘you’re my wife now’.”

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Final Top Gear to show Clarkson regenerating into Salman Rushdie

UNAIRED Top Gear footage will be edited to show Jeremy Clarkson regenerate as Sir Salman Rushdie. 

The Midnight’s Children author is thought to be perfect for the role because of his unparalleled experience in enraging foreigners and proven ability to flee. 

BBC producer Helen Archer said: “We’ve got a load of unused footage of Clarkson which we’ll cut into his final epic battle with political correctness, represented by a short Irishman. 

“After sustaining a fatal blow he’ll collapse, with a tearful Hammond shaking his lapels and saying ‘don’t go, don’t go’, before Jeremy’s face morphs into that of Sir Salman. 

“He’s perfect because the lefties love him, while the more reactionary 98 per cent of the audience has to stick up for him because of his fractious history with the Islamic world.

“Initially we’re keeping the same companions, James May and Richard Hammond, but losing the irritating romantic subtext of recent series.”