Mortarboards added to list of things students must be protected from

MORTARBOARDS have joined ‘ideas’ and ‘the past’ on a list of things that students should be afraid of.

The NUS has confirmed that graduates’ traditional square caps are potentially as harmful to students’ wellbeing as 19th-century statues and speeches by Peter Tatchell, and will be no longer be permitted on campus.

NUS officer Emma Bradford said: “What good is it to protect students from Germaine Greer’s views on gender identity if we can’t protect them from being hit on the head by pointy bits of card?

“At least if you’re the wrong kind of feminist I can shout at you on Twitter. But you can’t publicly shame a mortarboard.”

The NUS will provide counselling for any student struck by a mortarboard, or who has read about someone else being struck by a mortarboard and felt upset on their behalf.

It has also passed a motion condemning mortarboards as tools of Zionist oppression, and is calling on all universities to provide anti-mortarboard safe spaces in rooms with low ceilings.

Student activist Nathan Muir said: “Mortarboards were introduced in the sixteenth century to protect students from bird droppings and the punishing heat of the sun. But you know what else was introduced in the sixteenth century? Colonialism.”

Bradford replied: “I can’t believe Nathan went and said the word ‘mortarboard’ without a trigger warning. That’s a microaggression.”

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Woman torn on EU vote because she likes Jude Law but hates Keira Knightley

A WOMAN cannot decide which way to vote in the EU referendum because she fancies Jude Law but loathes Keira Knightley. 

Joanna Kramer, from Stoke-on-Trent, says the letter from 250 British stars backing the Remain campaign has confused the issue because of her conflicting feelings about them.

She added: “If Paloma Faith backs staying in the EU then I’m out, because she’s an irritating tart with a well common voice. So you’d think the issue would be settled.

“But then Benedict Cumberbatch is in, and he’s lush, but then Jessie Ware’s signed and she really annoys me, though come to think of it I’ve mixed her up with Jessie J.

“Really it does come down to Law and Knightley, because he’s gorgeous even though he has gone bald and she can’t act and is nothing but a posh slag.

“What to do, what to do? I think I’ll wait and see what Adele says. She’s never led me wrong.”