Most British Children Now Demons

MORE than half of all British children are demons whose souls have been devoured by Satan, according to a new study.

Researchers claim that since 1998 around 56% of British children have been possessed by some of hell's most senior demons including Baal, Legion and the Moloch.

And they said it was vital the media continued to demonise children, otherwise they would be 'playing straight into Satan's hands'.

Dr Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The last thing you want to do with a demon is pretend he isn't one.

"We took one child who seemed perfectly nice, but when we x-rayed him we got a very clear image of a snarling, two-headed devil-dog.

"When we showed him the x-rays he got very agitated and started speaking backwards in Aramaic before nicking my iPhone."

Dr Logan added: "The mother in The Exorcist tried to pretend her daughter was not a demon.

"The next thing you know there's a dead guy at the bottom of a flight of stairs with his head turned all the way round.

"I'm not saying your child is going to throw someone out of a window and then do unspeakably dirty things with a crucifix. But that doesn't mean they're not a mouthy little shit."

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your Astrological Week Ahead

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

Do you have a dating strategy or are you just winging it? If it’s the latter, don’t wing it too often or you will go blind.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

At work, try sneaking some nuts into your colleagues salad to see if she really does have that allergy she’s always boasting about. I bet she can’t even spell anaphylactic.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Upgrade your expectations when it comes to dating. From now on a pulse should be a minimum!

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Invite some like-minded friends to join you and your honey for an old-fashioned double date, then suggest an orgy.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Surprise your wife with breakfast in bed. That will teach her to sleep with your best friend when she thinks you are away on business.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Your recent hopes for a fun date have been thwarted by a jealous friend. You’re only after sex and she’s been married to him for years. What’s her problem?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

You love your sweetie, but sometimes their little quirks do drive you crazy! Beat the shit out of them until they stop.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Sometimes love can strike from long distance. But not in your case, hamster prick.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Use meditation techniques to help refocus on your love goals. If that doesn’t work go back to pornography.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

The attraction you're feeling for your partner is smoking hot! Start the night with some raunchy dancing at a club, then try out a different set of moves back home! Then have sex.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your trusting nature is one of your better qualities. Can you lend me fifty quid until pay day?