Friday, 28th February 2020

Most effective cleaning hack is not bothering your arse

THE best way to cut down time and effort spent on cleaning is to fuck it off and do something else, experts have confirmed. 

The conclusion comes after a wide-ranging survey which tested more than 300 cleaning hacks against a control group that did nothing more than push the hoover around once a fortnight and were far happier.

Dr Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We tried them all, from pouring Coca-Cola down the toilet to washing towels in vinegar to using toothpaste on your cutlery. And they were all basically bollocks.

“Everyone knows, deep down, there’s no such thing as the perfect cleaning hack. But in double blind tests nothing beat ‘not bothering’ for time saved and effort conserved.

“Stuff only gets dirty again anyway. The cleaner it is, the more you notice it.

“Fucking it off and having a cup of tea instead is as close as we will ever come to 100% efficiency.  I would stake my reputation on it.”

Housewife Carolyn Ryan said: “I’ve got a bloody incredible cleaning hack. I hire a cleaner.”