Most effective cleaning hack is not bothering your arse

THE best way to cut down time and effort spent on cleaning is to fuck it off and do something else, experts have confirmed. 

The conclusion comes after a wide-ranging survey which tested more than 300 cleaning hacks against a control group that did nothing more than push the hoover around once a fortnight and were far happier.

Dr Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We tried them all, from pouring Coca-Cola down the toilet to washing towels in vinegar to using toothpaste on your cutlery. And they were all basically bollocks.

“Everyone knows, deep down, there’s no such thing as the perfect cleaning hack. But in double blind tests nothing beat ‘not bothering’ for time saved and effort conserved.

“Stuff only gets dirty again anyway. The cleaner it is, the more you notice it.

“Fucking it off and having a cup of tea instead is as close as we will ever come to 100% efficiency.  I would stake my reputation on it.”

Housewife Carolyn Ryan said: “I’ve got a bloody incredible cleaning hack. I hire a cleaner.”

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How the f**k is this a 'cake'? ask dieters

PEOPLE on diets are wondering how flattened pieces of shrivelled matter can possibly be called ‘cakes’.

Joanna Kramer, from Hatfield, said: “They should be called ‘sad rice’ or ‘bio-degradable non-food discs’. I do not appreciate being deceived in this way.”

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, added: “Granted, we also have urinal cakes, cakes of soap and yellow-cake uranium. They all taste better than rice cakes.”

Nutritionist Jane Thompson explained: “Rice ‘cakes’ were placed in British supermarkets as a hoax, but an industry grew up after they were bought by the sort of people who pretend to like awful food.

“Since then, they have found a home with other people who think bad-tasting things must be good for you.

“They are not cakes.”