Most people going to blow hell out of pension pot within 20 minutes

MOST Britons will spend their pension pot on stupid, crazy stuff the very moment they get their hands on it.

In yesterday’s Budget, chancellor George Osborne changed the pension rules so that everyone can be ‘as feckless as they bloody well want’.

He said: “It’s your money, what the hell’s it got to do with me?

“I’m sure some of you will spunk it away within 20 minutes. I really don’t care. All I would say is make sure that by then your children have enough room for you and all your box sets.”

But pursed-lipped hand-wringers have warned that if some people spend their pension pot on a big, fuck-off camper van instead of an annuity then all they will have is a tardis on wheels that can take you to Saint Tropez.

Jane Thompson, a total pain in the arse, said: “Take out an annuity, stay at home and look at websites about camper vans.

“You’ll be much happier than if you were to take a camper van across Europe, earning some wine money from doing avant grade interpretations of early Duran Duran songs in picturesque town squares.”

Margaret Gerving, a 52 year-old office manager, said: “It’s my money. Shut it.”

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Still cold, say men without coats

MEN who decided to leave their jackets at home today have confirmed that they made a mistake.

The sunshine, tweeting birds and blossom on the trees have fooled millions into thinking it would be warm enough to go coatless who have then discovered it definitely isn’t.

Nathan Muir, who headed out for lunch in just his shirt, admitted bitterly regretting his decision just a few steps from the door.

He said: “Don’t be deceived by the sun. Looks nice, but even if you’re sitting right in it, it’s barely warm enough to keep one’s balls swinging.

“And what you can’t see from behind glass is there’s a knifey bitch of a wind out here.”