Motorist with 20 years' experience still a bit shaky on roundabouts

A MAN who has racked up two decades on the roads still remains totally baffled whenever he encounters a roundabout.

Martin Bishop has developed his own coping strategy for such intersections, including planting himself in the middle of the road, turning up Radio 2 to full volume, and hoping sheer luck will prevent a collision. 

Bishop said: “I passed my test so I must have known how they work at some stage. I think there’s something about giving way to the right, which I don’t get. Why doesn’t everyone drive very slowly round the perimeter on the far left? Then I wouldn’t start hyperventilating.

“I try to avoid roundabouts when I can, but if I can’t I try something new every time, hoping I’ll finally crack it. Sometimes I lurch wildly between lanes, or stick the hazards on and smash my fist on the horn. Once I simply waited my turn for 15 minutes. You should have seen the tailback!

“But what never changes is the basics – I always close my eyes, press the accelerator down and hope for the best. No one can ask for more than that. 

“At the end of the day, no one really understands roundabouts. They’re a bit like the Bermuda Triangle or Stonehenge. Was Stonehenge a neolithic roundabout? The Discovery Channel should look into it.”

Fellow driver Donna Sheridan said: “Everyone round here knows Martin in his little Fiat with all the dents in it. My husband swears he once panicked so badly at a T-junction he drove into a canal, bless.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Why forcing you to work in an underpaid job will solve everything, by Jeremy Hunt

WORRIED about rising bills and the lack of government support? Let me, Jeremy Hunt, explain why being made to toil away in an underpaid job will cure all your woes.

It’ll be character building

The British public is notoriously soft. By being driven into the salt mines of the working world, layabouts will develop a sense of steely determination and resolve not seen since World War Two. Also bitter old Tory voters like seeing other people having it tough, even if they grew up perfectly happily in the 70s.

The unemployment graph will go down

Admittedly more of a benefit for the government than for you. We’ll be able to sell low unemployment numbers to thick-as-mince voters come the next election and trick them into thinking we’re doing a good job. We might even be able to cling on to power, imagine that! If that doesn’t fill you with joy, nothing will.

You’ll get valuable work experience

This argument is usually used on youngsters to tempt them into shit jobs, but now we’re saying it to everyone. So what if you were a surgeon who retired early after decades of service? It’s about time you experienced working in a call centre or stacking supermarket shelves. We’re teaching you new skills and it’s good to have another string to your bow. You should be grateful.

No more family arguments

Families with too much spare time get into a rut and start bickering. But if you’re working every hour of the day in several underpaid jobs you won’t have time to squabble. You’ll miss out on the fleeting gift of watching your children grow up, but count your blessings. Suella says we should put benefits-claiming families on giant hamster wheels to generate electricity, with whippings.

Your pension’s shit anyway

Your unremarkable career hasn’t exactly set you up for a comfortable retirement, and the country’s still too broke from Labour’s financial mishandling decades ago to bail you out. The obvious solution is to never retire and work until you die of exhaustion. It’s a simple, cost-effective fix that benefits everyone. Except you, soz.