M&S coat hanger 'appalled' at being used to unblock toilet

A COAT hanger from Marks & Spencer is distraught after it was used to unblock a toilet.

The hanger, normally used for a fully-lined tweed jacket, confirmed she was ‘utterly outraged’ by the incident.

The hanger, Anna Thomson, said: “I had heard of this kind of thing going on but I never thought it would happen to me.

“I can understand using a TK Maxx hanger as a lavatory unblocking device, but I am from one of Britain’s best-loved premium stores.

“I have nestled among silk shirts and tailored suits. A hanger of my calibre should not be used to mangle a massive shit. I will never be clean.”

Thomson added: “I’m sure the creature who blocked the toilet was very grateful, but I do not feel in any way heroic. I may as well have been used to hang a football jersey.”

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Brexiter delighted his corner shop taken over by miserable British bastard

A BREXITER is glad that the pleasant Polish couple who used to run his local convenience store have been replaced by a surly British bastard.

With EU nationals having abandoned the UK like rats from a sinking ship, Martin Bishop thoroughly approves of the new proprietorship of Roy Hobbs who hates all customers and his chosen career equally.

Office worker Bishop said: “I’m not racist but it’s nice to hear an English voice when you’re buying overpriced bog roll in a local institution like Bargain Mini-Mart.

“The prices have gone up, there’s frequent stock shortages, the opening hours have been cut dramatically and he looks right through you as if you’re less than nothing, but he’s definitely British.

“Karol and Krista who used to run the shop were very friendly. Too friendly. I feel Roy improves the sense of community when he’s ignoring customers and looking at hardcore porn on his phone.

“Roy’s really helping with our social cohesion, apart from when he calls an elderly woman a ‘coffin-dodging old sow’ because she’s taking too long to find the right change.”

Hobbs said: “Are you going to buy that fucking Mars bar or just look at it?”