Mum communicating entirely in emojis

A WOMAN who introduced her mother to emojis is beginning to deeply regret it.

Nikki Hollis thought mum Carolyn would find the little pictures fun and entertaining but did not expect her to abandon words entirely.

Hollis said: “Having until recently been very vocal about her belief that smartphones are ‘ruining everything’, mum has now exercised her parental right to be an gigantic hypocrite.

“This morning I asked her if she received the birthday card I sent and she replied with a unicorn and nineteen balloons, which I took to be a yes, but who the fuck knows?

“Then when I asked what her and dad were up to this evening she just replied with the purple aubergine.

“I am desperately hoping it was to convey that they’re having moussaka for dinner and she doesn’t know what it actually represents.”

Carolyn Hollis said: “Winky face.”

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Pub jazz band confirms next gig will last forever

A PUB jazz band has confirmed that its next gig will never end.

The Long Hot Summer Jazz Quintet plays a regular weekly slot at The Grapes in Swindon and locals have confirmed that some of their gigs have lasted for up to six days.

Jazz trombonist Tom Booker said: “As a married father of two I can see why this infinite jam session could impact on my home life.

“But, I told my wife when I married her, ‘Don’t ask me choose between semi-professional jazz trombone and having a family because you really won’t like my answer’.

“Plus, the kids can always pop into the pub if they want to see me as it’s a child friendly bar.

“Given that it also has never-ending live jazz, you’d think it would be a lot busier.”