Mum perfects method of asking about children's careers in way that implies failure

A MOTHER has perfected a way of enquiring about her children’s careers that implies they’ve completely arsed their lives up, it has emerged.

Mother-of-three Mary Fisher has discovered the perfect tone of voice and phrasing to make her kids feel wholly inadequate, while still maintaining plausible deniability.

She said: “All I did was ask if my daughter Nikki had heard back from a job interview she went on three months ago and she flew off the handle.

“It was a genuine question. I don’t see the problem.”

Daughter Nikki Hollis said: “Of course I didn’t get it. It was three months ago, she’d know by now. Why would I get an incredible new job and keep it a secret?

“Even if I did get it, it wouldn’t be enough for her. She’d immediately ask how much it paid then make a disappointed ‘huh’ noise, before pointing out it’s half what my brother Nathan earns.”

Mary Fisher added: “Hang on a sec just got to make a call…Nathan, darling, just wondering who they promoted in the end, you or that fellow you hate?”

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Labour to give employees shares in company they f**king hate

LABOUR have announced their new policy to give all employees shares in the businesses they work for, despise and want to see destroyed. 

The scheme would mean that employees now had a personal stake in the success of employers who they constantly cheat and steal from, and has been greeted with widespread revulsion. 

Office manager Martin Bishop said: “Own it? I don’t want to own any of this fucking place. Unless I get to burn my bit and urinate on the ashes. 

“Motivate me? Christ, the shithead decisions they make now make me absolutely furious. Imagine how much more angry I’ll be when they’re doing it to my bloody company.” 

Barista Carolyn Ryan agreed: “So when I spend half-an-hour closing up unpaid that’s… good? Because the company makes more money and I’m the company? 

“I can’t go down that road. Before you know it I’ll be deliberately getting customers’ names right. And their orders. 

“Better we keep our relationship of mutual loathing and exploitation the way it is. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to break the expresso machine.”