Mum wants to hear and ruin your Christmas plans

YOUR mother is keen to hear what you have in mind for Christmas so she can completely overrule it.

Inquiries, which began in February, are now arriving daily by text and a decision is urgently required so that it can be contradicted.

Mum said: I need to know if youve made that relationship last in case you want the big room, and if so does she really have to be vegetarian on the day?

Bear in mind I am going to order a turkey from the fancy butchers and if that isn’t good enough I don’t know what is.”

Carolyn Ryan of Hereford said: I told her me and him were having a quiet one at home, and shes invited herself down for nine days, with granny and the dog.

Ive been told to start steaming the pudding by November 18th at the latest, or it wont be perfect and shell cry.

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Rugby union afraid of rugby league

RUGBY union players live in constant fear of encountering their league counterparts, it has emerged.

Although distantly related, the two versions of ‘leather egg’ are not on speaking terms, largely because of league’s reputation for sudden, brutal violence.

Loose head prop Tom Booker said: “I’m six-foot eight, eighteen stone and vastly wealthy, but league players make me feel like a soft, puny weakling.

“I know they’re smaller, and there’s only 13 of them compared to 15 of us, but they’ve all got this look about them that says they’d bite my eyes out if I tackled them funny.

“Also I can’t understand their northern voices, which makes me think they’re talking about me, probably discussing whether to punch me in the face.

“Don’t get me wrong, there’s a time and a place for gratuitous violence, but what kind of monster doesn’t at least try to dodge a tackle? Only a ravening beast runs straight at people on purpose.”

Booker suddenly looked round, saying: “Shit, they’re not here, are they? They move so damn quickly without line-outs.

“Shit, shit, shit.”

However rugby union and rugby league confirmed that in the right circumstances they would be prepared to get together to beat up football.