Rooney is England's dysfunctional father figure

WAYNE Rooney is the England squad’s bitter and needy dad substitute, it has been confirmed.

The ageing star’s indifference and declining relevance have seen him mentor younger players in the art of getting sent off and missing pointless friendlies.

Jack Wilshere said: “Wayne’s just like my dad – hypersensitive about hair loss, moody and insists on having the Stereophonics on while we’re driving.

“It’s great to have someone on the pitch abusing the referee instead of having to shout it from the sidelines, and he’ll always nip for a cheeky snout with you at half-time.”

Andros Townsend agreed: “Going from John Terry, very much the abusive stepfather, to a much more traditional bitter dad role model has really helped the team.

“He’s exactly like a real father in that you have to pretend he’s an ace player when he’s hoofing it upfield and panting after the ball.”

Meanwhile manager Roy Hodgson is the team’s mother substitute, giving all the players hugs and Wagon Wheels while telling them they tried their absolute hardest.

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Greenpeace vows to destroy planet

FORMER environmental organisation Greenpeace has pledged to wipe out all animal species then blow up the planet.

“What the fuck is that anyway?”

Following a brutal giant squid attack on a Greenpeace submarine, senior activists realised that Earth is a hostile place populated by creatures that exist only to kill.

A spokesman said: “For years we have endangered our lives haranguing whaling ships, risked imprisonment to help obscure mammals and worn dreadful sexless knitwear so that we look the part while doing so.

“But our supposedly precious home planet and its wildlife couldn’t give a shit.”

Onlookers described how Greenpeace workers greeted the squid with cries of ‘hey Mr Squid’ and ‘float freely my brave beaked warrior’ before realising it was trying to tear open their submarine and disembowel them in an orgy of marine blood lust.

The spokesman continued: “Not only is nature ungrateful, it actually wants to pull our arms off. Sod this planet, the future of humanity lies on Mars where there are no predators or frightening forests to harbour them.

“Our mission now is to run around setting fire to things, while living entirely on factory-farmed red meat and wearing snazzy sweat shop-made trainers. The quicker we kill the planet, the sooner we can escape.”

Greenpeace member Mary Fisher said: “Trees do look like massive witches and my cat gave me a scratch that went septic. So yes, nature is probably evil.

“Also I don’t really rate Ecover washing up liquid and dislike having to listen to Baba Maal CDs while eating pungent bean-based food.”