WAYNE Rooney is the England squad’s bitter and needy dad substitute, it has been confirmed.
The ageing star’s indifference and declining relevance have seen him mentor younger players in the art of getting sent off and missing pointless friendlies.
Jack Wilshere said: “Wayne’s just like my dad – hypersensitive about hair loss, moody and insists on having the Stereophonics on while we’re driving.
“It’s great to have someone on the pitch abusing the referee instead of having to shout it from the sidelines, and he’ll always nip for a cheeky snout with you at half-time.”
Andros Townsend agreed: “Going from John Terry, very much the abusive stepfather, to a much more traditional bitter dad role model has really helped the team.
“He’s exactly like a real father in that you have to pretend he’s an ace player when he’s hoofing it upfield and panting after the ball.”
Meanwhile manager Roy Hodgson is the team’s mother substitute, giving all the players hugs and Wagon Wheels while telling them they tried their absolute hardest.