Mums' group unites in hatred of parent who is not a total mess

A NEW mother has committed the unforgivable crime of admitting to others she is not a sobbing wreck.

Emma Bradford’s neighbourhood baby group, who meet weekly to discuss the utter hell of motherhood, are considering expulsion if she refuses to break down soon.

Leader Susan Traherne said: “The first rule of baby group is never tell another parent you’re feeling anything but abjectly, deliriously wretched. That goes until your kid is 35.

“Emma waltzing in here claiming to have had a wonderful bonding afternoon with a three-month-old is unpleasant, offensive and harshing everyone’s misery buzz.

“Bullshit he’s sleeping through. Double bullshit on him recognising colours. What’s next, pictures of her and little Arlo climbing Kilimanjaro?

“Fingers crossed he’s screaming uncontrollably while shitting like a beast at the next meet-up. It’d be music to our ears.”

Bradford said: “Maybe I’ll bring a cake for the next get-together. Some of those mums look like they could do with it, and Arlo loves baking! He’s brillant.”

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How about we forget the bill and get straight to the part we like, says Davis

THE UK has suggested the EU skip this whole bill business and go straight to the part where we get everything we want. 

Brexit negotiatior David Davis has told Michel Barnier to drop the bill, cut to the chase, and talk about the unfettered trade access the UK will enjoy for free.

He continued: “Enough stick. Time for a bit of carrot.

“Come on, give us a quick outline of how we’ll enjoy free trade with the whole continent without having to pay a penny into the budget. I know you’ve got the plans there.

“Our business community’s getting impatient, so park the dull stuff for a bit and let’s get stuck in to post-Brexit Britain’s glorious future of all the benefits of the EU but no immigration.

“We’ll get back to the bill later. Maybe.”

Michel Barnier then attempted to discuss the issue of the Northern Irish border while Davis bellowed “SHOW ME THE MONEY!” before looking around for approval.