Mumsnet into filth

TERRIFYING online collective Mumsnet has revealed a predilection for high-grade online filth.

The community website, which can bring down a rhino at 40 paces, has abandoned its support for online pornography filters after having a look at some of it.

Biting her bottom lip, a spokeswoman said: “Oh my. And they’ve only just met. Look at the size of his whatsit!

“Oh my.”

Bookmarking a variety things for later, she added: “We have decided that filters would be a form of censorship or something.

“Ultimately it is the parents’ responsibility to ensure that children do not look at pornography by making sure that favourite sites are bookmarked with really boring labels like ‘car insurance’ or ‘Amnesty International’.”

Since discovering online pornography the discussion threads on Mumsnet have veered from traditional subjects such as teething and clever things to do with carrots to sticky threesomes and clever things to do with carrots.

Meanwhile thousands of members have even logged in to Dadsnet in a bid to source the hottest mum-on-mum action live from Rotterdam.

Mumsnet obersturmbahnfuhrer, Jane Thompson, said: “If I put a filter on my doo-da I’ll never get it off again.

“That said I suppose I could always get a man to come round, just like the heroine of Dongle IV: Stick it In.”

 

 

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Microsoft applies make-up to Nokia's corpse

MICROSOFT was today applying some rouge and lipstick to the dead face of Nokia.

The software giant said it wanted Nokia to look like it did when it was young and happy before they shove it in a box and throw it into a hole in the ground.

Chief executive Steve Ballmer said: “We wanted to capture its sense of humour and infectious love of life.

“We wanted to make it look so good you would be tempted to give it an open-mouthed kiss or heave it into an upright position and dance with it.”

The company will be interred next week at a lavish funeral which will
feature its trademark tune being played by the massed Stylophones of the
Finnish Royal Navy.

But friends and family of the mobile phone manufacturer have claimed that Microsoft has just made it look even worse.

Keevi Hakaflakanen, who has known Nokia since it was five, said: “Oh no, that’s awful. It looks like an alcoholic clown that’s been hit with a frying pan.

“Looking at that I would have to say that I don’t think Microsoft is a properly trained mortician.

“And should its eyes be wide open like that? It’s freaking me out.”

He added: “Microsoft should probably stick to what it does best, like making software for people who live in 1994.”