Nans confirm they are no longer racist

NANS have decided to stop being racist following the royal wedding, they have confirmed.

83-year-old caucasian grandmother Mary Fisher said: “We nans thought Meghan Markle looked very nice, even though she is clearly no virgin, and she seems like a decent enough person despite us scrutinising her every gesture in a hawk-like search for personality flaws.

“It is time for us nans to end our centuries-old campaign of moaning about ‘coloureds’. It is the beginning of a new era, where we don’t quietly tut whenever a black face appears on television or make comments like ‘they’ve even got them on Antiques Roadshow now’.

“Obviously we will need a new social group to persecute, we’ll discuss that at bingo next Tuesday.”

Fellow nan Susan Traherne said: “Beneath the skin we are all just human beings. However I did just make some scones from an Ainsley Harriott recipe and they were tough as buggery.”

Meanwhile grandfathers have confirmed they will remain in their sheds for the foreseeable future.

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Fergie returns to Windsor Castle to pilfer leftovers

THE Duchess of York is back at the royal wedding venue stuffing canapes into a bin bag, it has been confirmed.

Fergie arrived at Windsor Castle this morning claiming she had dropped an earring, but was later found cramming savouries and fruit into a plastic bag.

She said: “So far I’ve got half a roast chicken, a shitload of cheese and a massive bunch of grapes. I mean, it’d be a shame if it all went to waste.

“I’ll probably give it to charity or something, depending on how it goes.”

Fergie added: “I found some little pastry things with prawns on too, but I think prawns can be a bit dodgy if they’re left out.

“I’ll give one to a corgi and see what happens.”