Nation still doing congas told to rely on its common sense

A COUNTRY forming celebratory conga lines as recently as this weekend has been told to use its innate common sense to figure out lockdown restrictions. 

The government has confirmed that its bewildering guidelines are perfectly clear to the kind of focused rational thinkers who dance in the street to Black Lace.

Conga dancer Emma Bradford said: “It’s totally safe to meet up with both parents in the park if you’re all staying two metres apart and doing the time warp. Simples.

“And if you want to invite friends round for a barbecue, protect each other by doing the Macarena at all times. I don’t see how the government could make it any more straightforward to be honest.

“It’s perfectly safe to work next to someone, you can’t see relatives, you can drive from Middlesbrough to Cornwall but never cross the border to Wales, stay alert means stay home, and you can perform unlimited tangos in the park. What’s confusing?”

NHS worker Nikki Hollis said: “You think this country has common sense? You should see the stuff I’ve had to surgically remove from arses over the years.”

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Captain Tom launches new fundraising appeal to do the Inca Trail

CAPTAIN Tom Moore has asked Britain to sponsor him on his latest charity drive to walk the Inca Trail in Peru. 

The centenarian, who has raised £39 million for the NHS, has launched a new JustGiving page hoping to raise £7,000 for he and his new girlfriend, Lucie Donlan from series five of Love Island, to do the 25-mile trail together.

He said: “It was alright when I started, but I must confess I’m a little bored of the back garden now.

“So I was reading through some congratulatory emails, saw one from Lucie who seems a wonderful lady, and we got to chatting. She really has that wonderful spark of youth.

“Sadly this ‘Love Island’ she comes from is off-limits, but we decided we’d like to take our next adventure together and where better than trekking through the Andes? I’m sure Britain won’t let me down.”

Sponsor Sue Traherne said: “Bloody hell. It’s always the same. You sponsor them once and they expect a free ride forever. He can stick his Machu Picchu up his arse.”