National Curriculum To Include Abject Terror

PUPILS across the UK are to have the absolute screaming bejesus scared out of them on a weekly basis, under changes to the national curriculum.

The department for children and schools and the teaching unions have agreed a new programme designed to leave an entire generation of children mentally scarred for life.

Teacher Martin Bishop, from Doncaster, said: "I've already rigged up a convincing mutilated corpse in the stationery cupboard and just wait until 3C get a visit from Rapey Roger, the Satanic Clown."

He added: "For years we've tried varying forms of cognitive therapy, positive reinforcement and reward schemes for good behaviour but finally we've been given the green light to really fuck with their minds."

The new programme was approved after a successful pilot scheme in Evesham where teachers staged a horrifyingly authentic fake shooting to teach pupils that being gunned down in a gangland turf war will probably hurt.

Headmaster, Norman Steele, said: "A small number of pupils currently have the kind of thousand-yard-stare you used to see in Vietnam veterans and secure mental hospitals, but most of them had stopped screaming by home time. In our defence, it was very funny."

Kyle Stephenson, a 14 year-old bastard from Carlisle, said: "It's been a busy year for me, what with shoving the school lizard up the school hamster and getting Miss Hollis locked up for touching my balls.

"But I've just noticed that Mr Hayes has been stood outside my house for the last three hours setting fire to things and laughing really loudly.

"In some indefinable way, I have a feeling things are going to be very different from now on."


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Commuters Forced To Make Contingency Plans Involving Wine

THE proposed four day national rail strike will force millions of commuters across Britain to make alternative arrangements involving a load of wine, it emerged last night.

As a fresh batch of communists outlined their plans to overthrow our way of life, office workers warned that if you give them four days off like that, they are going to hit it like a bastard.

Helen Archer, a marketing executive from Hitchin, said she was drawing up plans to order a case of Riesling and then neck it out of a pint glass while shouting at the television.

She added: "Industrial action of this kind can be very disruptive. Especially when Loose Women comes on – they can hear me half way down the fucking street."

Julian Cook, a tax accountant from Stevenage, stressed that he supported the unions' decision to give him a four day break from the railway system and its stubborn refusal to at least think about removing the constant and overwhelming stench of urine that seems to pervade every square inch of the network.

He said: "I read that the unions are worried about safety so I assume someone has finally noticed the inch and a half of effluent that's beeen swilling around the toilet floor of the 8.03 into Kings Cross since the mid-1990s."

He added: "My plan is to simply continue the Easter holiday for an extra week with a little festival I'm calling 'Ernest and Julio Gallo's Tribute to Jesus'.

"Ironically, if all goes well, by day four I myself should be something of piss-drenched catastrophe."

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said he will be giving his staff the week off, stripping down to his vest and pants and watching series one to three of The West Wing with a case of Bacardi and a cash and carry box of onion rings.

He added: "I'm trying to remember the last strike that made the slightest difference to anything whatsoever. Apart from the miners' strike, obviously, which led to all the miners losing their jobs."