Neighbours Agree Never To Talk To Each Other Again

MILLIONS of people across Britain met their neighbours for the first time this yesterday and immediately decided never to talk to them again.

The bunting did not help

In the wake of the 'Big Lunch' street parties householders in hundreds of communities made their excuses, ran back inside, locked their doors and windows and logged on to as many property websites as they could find.

Martin Bishop, from  Peterborough, said: "I'm really glad we did this, mainly because I can now be 100% certain that my entire street is filled with ghastly lunatics who want to be my best friend."

He added: "There does come a time when negative equity becomes a laughable irrelevance."

Bill McKay, from Hatfield, said: "We met this couple from across the road. She's trying to get her cat into university and has obviously not had sex for at least 20 years, while he's a Conservative councillor who was wearing a Michael Jackson t-shirt.

"We've agreed to have dinner with them next Wednesday. Unless of course I can summon-up the courage to kill myself."

Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: "So I met my next door neighbour. He's a fucking nutter. I'm buying an axe."

A spokesman for sponsors EDF said: "We think the Big Lunch has been a fantastic success, mainly because it will make people think we're a bunch of cuddly hippies who make electricity from dandelion petals and children's wishes, rather than a lot of ageing nuclear power stations run by Frenchmen."