Never leaving the pub early ever again, and other resolutions for a post-pandemic 2021

THERE’S a vaccine coming, unless the Tories f**k it up, and after the inevitable January lockdown life could return to normal. Make resolutions accordingly: 

No more f**king Zoom calls

They were necessary when none of us could leave the house. But at least in the old world when Margaret from finance was droning about the car-crash of this year’s budget, you couldn’t see your own slumped form in the corner, pallid, obese and broken.

Never leaving the pub early again

We should apologise to pubs. We took them for granted and assumed their boozy wonderfulness would always be there for us, day and night. And they closed their doors and we regretted every moment we’d not spent in them. Never again. Pub at lunchtime. Pub every day. Popping for a swift half will once again be a four-hour session.

Moving the home gym to the loft

2020 was a year to exercise, because there was f**k all else to do with your racing adrenalin. But next year once we’re vaccinated and invincible the treadmills, punchbags and kettle bells can bugger off up the loft, along with everything else we’re leaving for history.

Sending the kids off anywhere

Grandparents, sisters, cubs leaders: they’ve had a year off. Time for them to look after the kids every other weekend, minimum. Really teachers should start doing a shift on a Saturday evening. We’ve got a lot of pub time to catch up on, as well as sleeping in until noon and the greasiest of fry-ups.

Spending fortunes on holidays we can’t afford

‘It’s made me realise to seize the moment while you can,’ we all nod sagely while using the pandemic as an excuse to book a fortnight in Bali. ‘It could happen any time,’ we opine while planning three weeks on the slots in Vegas. ‘Covid made me appreciate life is so precious,’ we say while booking two months above a brothel in Amsterdam.

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Boris Johnson doing last-minute Christmas rom-com dash through airport to get f**k out of Britain

THE prime minister has been seen sprinting through a Christmas-decorated Heathrow after realising what he most desires in his heart of hearts is to get the f**k out of here. 

Johnson, often compared to Hugh Grant in Love Actually, was cheered on by everyone in the airport who fully supported his last-minute dash to spend the rest of his life somewhere else.

He said: “Just like Hugh in the movie I think I’m hilarious, I seduce staff, and I’m sexually fixated on Margaret Thatcher. But there’s an emptiness in my heart.

“Then, on New Year’s Eve, I was flicking through abusive cards from Britons and read one telling me I should piss off forever and never see Britain again.

“And, then and there, I knew. I couldn’t hide the truth from myself any longer. From the first moment I became prime minister I’d wanted nothing more than to run away from the terrible f**king mess I’d made.

“I summoned my car, dashed to Heathrow, zig-zagged and slipped between the legs of customs officers and made it onto a plane to New York.

“Goodbye, we shall not meet again. I have dumped you like Alan Rickman should have dumped Emma Thompson for that younger bird.”