THE UK is to ban social media for anyone under 16 and anyone over 18, leaving a two-year window to make an absolute twat of yourself online. 

The ban will stop children seeing inappropriate content and stop adults wasting their lives in bullshit political disputes, watching the Instagram Stories of their failed Hinge hook-ups or scrolling past the Strava routes of work colleagues from 2012.

Science and technology secretary Liz Kendall said: “You know when you’re arguing on Twitter and suspect your opponent is a 17-year-old who knows nothing? Soon you’ll know for sure.

“Saying ‘look at my new outfit?’ Shouting ‘I hate you’ at someone whose views on Drake differ slightly from yours? Running a Tom Hiddleston fan account? This is teenage shit. Adulthood is leaving it behind.

“We’ve already stopped you cowards from losing whole evenings to pornography by making you upload your ID. Now we’re tackling Britain’s productivity crisis by allowing only the most worthless members of our society to dedicate hours to TikTok.

“If you find yourself still wanting to engage in idiotic argument about Aston Villa’s midfield line-up with total strangers who wish you’d piss off? Go to the pub. They need the boost.”

Keen social media user Helen Archer said: “So they’ll still be using it when they’re at their most cretinous, creating posts which we can later use to destroy their lives? Great.”