New fathers reluctant to spend time with constantly screeching bag of shit

NEW fathers are failing to use their legal entitlement to paternity leave because they do not want to spend all day with a noisy shit fountain, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies found that more than 50% of fathers were reluctant to take time off insisting they wanted to keep their work-life balance firmly on the work side because it was relatively quiet and had a more bearable stench.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “There are issues surrounding paternity pay and the ability to maintain one’s career momentum but mainly it’s the colossal amounts of shit and piss and a wife that wants you dead.”

Tom Logan, from Doncaster said: “My employer has been incredibly supportive and has assured me that I could take all the time off I needed. But I said, no, absolutely not, no way, there is absolutely no fucking way that is happening.”

He added: “I would love to be at home with my wife and child, but at this stage it is absolutely vital that I get as much time as I need to bond with my desk.”

Roy Hobbs, the father of a three week-old piss machine from Hatfield, said: “I do want to spend quality time with my child which is why I have arranged to have lunch with him as soon as he graduates from university.”

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Gay Bike Will Help Children Learn To Fight

THE Gaytrack 400, the gayest-looking boys' bike ever, will help children to gain valuable self-defence skills, the manufactuers have claimed.

The Gaytrack 400 comes in luminous pink, has no gears and a handlebar-mounted voice synthesiser that periodically says 'I am the biggest gaylord ever times infinity', in the voice of John Barrowman.

Gaytrack inventor Charles Hopkins said: "I was bullied at school, but I learned to fight back and ultimately emerged as a hard, sadistic bastard with the emotional capacity of a soup spoon. I designed Gaytrack 400 to give my 10-year-old son the same opportunities.

"Within a day of me making him ride it into school at gunpoint he'd had a kicking, a bogwash, and there was a rumour going round that he had sex with male baby rabbits."

He added: "A year later his self-defence skills and general aggression had improved so drastically that he was spending his half-terms working as a mercenary in Sierra Leone."

Gaytrack's special features include a mechanism that ensures a guaranteed wheelie failure whenever there are girls around, making the user fall off and cry so hard that a teacher has to call his mum.

Hopkins is now working on a similar bike for girls, under the working title of the 'Unpopularotron'.

He said, "It comes in a variety of unfashionable colours, weighs the same as a village and will gossip to the cool girls about how its owner got fingered by Matty Drayton round the back of the CDT block in return for a packet of Starburst."