Racists Undermining Army’s Mission To Kill Brown People

RACISTS are damaging the reputation of the British Army and undermining its mission to kill brown people, it was claimed last night.

Forces'sweetheart George Monbiot

A group of senior generals has written to the Times accusing the British National Party of 'hijacking the good name of the military' and insisting the BNP's extremist values are at odds with the Army's values of thinking up funny names for foreigners and flattening their houses with a tank.

The letter, signed by Sir Alfie Allendale, Sir Binky Beaver, Sir Chippy Chappell and Sir Dandy Dinmont, stated: "The Army has a proud tradition of interacting with all manner of brown people before persuading them to give up their land while dealing sensitively with their concerns by shooting them fairly and squarely in the middle of the face."

It added: "To suggest Britain's unquestioning pride in its army and nostalgia for the empire it so brutally maintained somehow contributed to the mentality that created organisations like the BNP is so completely ludicrous that it must never be discussed in any way, shape or form."

Major Nathan Muir, deputy director of inter-racial harmony at the Ministry of Defence, said: "The vast majority of Britain's soldiers are proud and enthusiastic multi-culturalists.

"I have lost count of the number of young privates who have told me that when they leave the service they want to work for the Equality and Human Rights Commission helping Bangladeshi women to fill in benefit forms."

Captain Stephen Malley, currently based in Helmand province, said: "At the end of a hard day in the field my men like nothing more than to crack open a bottle of Cloudy Bay and discuss their favourite Guardian columnists.

"Wee Jimmy Jamieson is a big fan of Polly Toynbee, though he does say she can be a bit too reactionary at times, while Sergeant Major Douglas has a beautiful signed poster of George Monbiot on the inside of his locker."

He added: "Just last week, as we went into action, Jimmy shouted 'alright lads, this one's for Shami Chakrabati!'"