New law 'would make newspapers obey law'

NEW legal measures could make it illegal for newspapers to break the law.

Under the Labour proposals, journalists who bribed police or hacked phones would have committed a crime – whereas previously they would merely have been in breach of the law.

Harriet Harman said: “By putting a law on top of a law you make a completely inescapable law sandwich.”

The police have reacted angrily to claims this would not become a thing if they had just done their fucking job.

A Police Federation spokesman said, “It’s as if people expect the police in these situations to act as some sort of ‘policeman’, policing things.

“If breaking the law is now to be considered a felony, then theoretically, you might even have members of the police force arresting each other.

“This would spiral out of control and within a week all the police would be in prison. Which would, ironically, trigger a massive crime wave.”

Tabloid journalist Tom Booker said: “Law enforcement is basically what Orwell warned us about in 1984.

“A normal person breaks an average of twelve laws just getting to work. In fact, not having the right change for the bus is technically a crime under the 1843 Small Coins Act.”



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Hugely important decision taken without Gmail users

A MASSIVELY important thing was decided yesterday while Gmail users were offline.

The thing, which will affect everything else forever, was decided in just under an hour during a series of email exchanges involving everybody.

But experts say that because the decision did not involve Gmail users there is a very strong chance the thing that was decided will be in the interests of every single person alive, except Gmail users.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “At every key stage of yesterday’s decision-making process I sent out an urgent email asking Gmail users for their input.

“I received no replies and therefore assumed they were okay with it. I found this very surprising given the nature of the thing that has now been decided.

“I must admit, I kept thinking, ‘if I was a Gmail user I would absolutely not want this to be the decision and I am surprised they are not sending me emails filled with anger and abject terror’.”

He added: “Oh well, what’s done is done. As everybody, except Gmail users, decided yesterday, there is no going back on this decision.

“In fact, we all decided that would be impossible.”

Nikki Hollis, a Gmail user, said: “Why are all my friends emailing me to ask if I’ve decided who’s going to get my iPhone?”