New 'Oodles O'Scratchcards' scratchcard realistic about where winnings will go

A NEW scratchcard has dropped images of yachts and palm trees in favour of what winners will actually spend their money on. 

The ‘Oodles O’Scratchcards’ National Lottery scratchcard shows a cartoon winner holding a fan of fresh scratchcards on the £5 edition and lying blissfully on a bed of unmarked scratchcards on the £10.

Buyer Martin Bishop said: “I went to the shop to get my usual morning scratchie and, instead of all that nonsense about sports cars and fancy holidays, there was a new range that really spoke to me.

“I went for the £2 card, with a cartoon man winning £30 and immediately buying three tenner scratchies, and promised myself if I won then I’d do exactly the same.

“I didn’t win, but I’ll certainly be back later. Just imagine, more scratchcards than a man can hold in both hands. Now there’s a dream worth chasing.”

A spokesperson for the National Lottery said: “We’re fully aware that whatever’s won on these goes straight back to the newsagent. That’s why we’ve put all those lovely pictures of scratchcards on there.”

“It’s misleading to put a picture of a sportscar on a ten grand jackpot scratchcard anyway. We should have a picture of a 2015 Kia Sportage with 41,000 miles on the clock.”

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The Brexiter's guide to bending over and taking it from Trump

ARE you a Brexit supporter who wants any US trade deal, no matter how violating? Here’s how to be fine with a shafting from Trump.

Be scientific about disgusting US food

Say ‘Salad is washed in chlorinated water, actually’, acting like a super-rational man of science. Don’t mention that you got an E at GCSE and the mere thought of American cows dripping pus from their udders puts you off milk for life.

Mindless optimism

D-Day, the Dunkirk spirit and the Battle of Britain can all be invoked. Ignore that if Brexiters had organised Dunkirk there’d have been no evacuation and the army would just be standing aimlessly on the beach, perhaps smashing a few crabs with rocks.

Drone on about the Anglosphere

The Anglosphere is based on deep cultural and historical bonds forged during the days of Empire, or cut the crap and admit what you mean is the ‘Not-brown-people-o-sphere’.

Change the subject

When someone says ‘Trump’s going to make us buy spray-on cheese. Didn’t you vote Brexit, Dave?’, distract them. Wet yourself, start a fight or carry a decomposing moggy with you at all times in a carrier bag for a literal dead cat strategy.

Clutch at straws

A deal with the US could spell disaster for British farmers. Claim this is a good thing because ‘it serves them right for when you get stuck behind a tractor’. Are you serious? Are you joking? With Brexiters no-one, even themselves, can ever be sure.

Be thankful it’s metaphorical

However bad the trade deal is, it’s still infinitely preferable to actually being rogered by Trump with his weirdly coiffed hair unravelling in sweaty excitement until he looks like an orange version of Riff Raff from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.