Nice man hates other nice men

A SELF-PROCLAIMED ‘nice guy’ absolutely hates other nice men.

Kind, thoughtful man Nathan Muir said: “I’ve spent years cultivating my nice image, only to find out that loads of other men have been doing it too.

“It’s really annoying because being nice is my thing. I was actually the first man to ever think of it.

“The other week I offered to help my friend Nikki move, to show her I’m not like the other bastards in her life, and that what she really wants is a nice guy like me.

“Then what bloody happens? She brings her mate Tom along to help, with him claiming that ‘many hands make light work’. Who the hell is this Tom with his weird politeness and thoughtfulness? I bet he’s only pretending to be nice to hump her.

“Someone should tell him the role of ‘guy who’s not like all the other guys’ is taken. Not me though, because I’m too nice. I even made the fucker a cup of tea.”

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Is your child enough of a little shit for primary school?

AFTER government warnings about children being unprepared for primary school, how can you ensure your kids have the right ‘little bastard’ skills? Read our guide.

Discourage sitting still

Teach kids it’s fine to run around wailing like a banshee the moment they feel slightly bored, or if they just really need everyone to look at them.

Are they aggressive enough?

Before starting school, children should be given questionable macho advice about bullying from dad, e.g. “You’ve got permission from me to stick up for yourself with your fists”, which their immature brains will obviously interpret as “it’s fine to twat people.”

Make sure they kill the school pets

Not in the grisly ‘future serial killer’ sense, but by being the sort of gormless little shit who releases Jojo the hamster into the wild for a taste of freedom and rapid death.

Give them a mobile phone

Even very small children will soon get the hang of disrupting lessons with their mobile. For added annoyance value encourage them to ring home for the slightest reason, such as confirming they have eaten their crisps.

Give them pointless extra lessons at home

Homeschool your kids on whatever they’re studying so they can be a pain in the arse with questions like: “But Miss, the Vikings weren’t called ‘the Vikings’, were they?”