AS Conservative MP for Don Valley, I’m an expert in crime, terrorism, and declining masculinity caused by Doctor Who. Here’s how they correspond:
Alert Level One: Media representations such as Daddy Pig and Hugh Bonneville in Paddington being mocked by their own families causes petty crime like littering or public urination, and terrorist acts such as not saluting portraits of the Queen.
Alert Level Two: More insidious media, such as that Captain Marvel film or a Lara Croft who’s barely a B-cup cause young men to take up shoplifting and write graffiti on bus stops. Terrorists are emboldened to openly protest against government policies. Real men like myself feel dejected.
Alert Level Three: Where we are now. A female Doctor Who, female Ghostbusters, and Wonder Woman a role model even though she’s childless. Causes knife crime, car thefts and county lines drug dealing. Terrorists plot attacks. Men like myself begin to suffer premature ejaculation.
Alert Level Four: Civilisation in crisis. A gay female Luke Skywalker in a relationship with a Wookie sparks riots. City centres become no-go areas for white heterosexual males. Parliament is bombed by a resurgent al-Qaeda. Real men struggle with impotence.
Alert Level Five: The world burns. All-trans Harry Potter reboot announced. Britain collapses into civil war with blue-haired queer gangs and Islamist terrorists fighting in the ruins. I personally am accused of micropenis and have no answer to the charge.
Alert Level Six: Apocalypse. The new James Bond is announced and it’s a woman. The final franchise tentpole separating man from savage beasts is gone. Death holds dominion everywhere. I begin to watch gay porn, the kind with men in. The nuclear holocaust comes as a blessing.