LIKE Luke Skywalker, we must all follow our destiny, whatever the risks, whatever the personal cost. My path was not the Force but ITV’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.
I accepted the challenge and emerged triumphant, despite crashing out embarrassingly after flailing around in a vat of rotten fruit and becoming unwell while viewers called to their partners in the kitchen: ‘Ha ha, come and look at this. It’s that wanker Madeley.’
What inner reserves of strength and courage did I call upon? I cannot honestly say, except it was a lot like those guys in Vietnam who survived years being kept in a submerged bamboo cage by the Viet Cong. But with the added struggle of collecting plastic stars.
Sure, alongside my incredible wife Judy I had already revolutionised ITV’s output on This Morning. After our hard-hitting mix of celebrity chat and household cleaning tips, daytime TV could never be the same again.
But a restless spirit like mine is always looking for the next mountain to climb, and so I stepped in to fill the enormous boots of Piers Morgan on Good Morning Britain with the delectable Susanna Reid, prompting favourable comparisons with another broadcasting legend, Alan Partridge.
Thus I found myself offered a much sought-after role on I’m A Celebrity, part of an incredible team of amazing guys like Danny Miller, Frankie Bridge and Naughty Boy, many of whom you will have heard of.
But fate is a cruel mistress and I was forced to pull out due to Covid rules, the sort of bureaucratic do-gooder nonsense that is sadly all too common in politically correct modern Britain.
But I’m confident I will be back for the next series, like a phoenix from the ashes, because the producers know millions, or at the very least dozens, of ITV viewers would love to see me barfing as I attempt to eat a raw tree frog bladder.