Nine hundred Christians make slight change to their delusion

ALMOST one thousand Anglicans are to mark Easter by making a slight adaptation to their voodoo.

As part of some ridiculous protest 900 members of the Church of England are shifting their delusion into the Roman Catholic column.

The move was celebrated by the Pope who wore his special Pointy Welcome Hat and banged his ceremonial tambourine.

A Vatican spokesman said: “These brave souls can look forward to nicer seats in heaven rather than some rubbish at the back with a pillar in the way.

“They will be so close to the stage they will be able to reach out and touch Jesus’s sequined trouser leg during What’s New Pussycat.”

Julian Cook, a former Anglican who would rather not have vaginas on his priests thank you very much, said: “As well as being preached to exclusively by frustrated, sexually dangerous men, I can also look forward to a much beefier communion experience.

“The Church of England says the wine and bread only symbolises the blood and body of Christ, whereas my new church has assured me that I am actually eating juicy bits of Jesus.

“It sounds absolutely delicious.”

Helen Archer, a former Church of England member who thinks she is unqualified to tell fairy stories, added: “I’ve always found Anglican guilt to be rather lacking in ‘oomph’.

“From today I can watch a Dolph Lundgren film with my pants off and then go upstairs and burn myself with a curling iron.

“Hurt me, Jesus. Hurt me like a bitch.”


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Middletons finally offended by Prince Philip

KATE Middleton’s parents have finally been subjected to a series of horribly offensive comments by Prince Philip.

Michael and Carole Middleton had lunch with the Queen and Duke of Edinburgh at Windsor Castle yesterday where the Duke told Mrs Middleton that she probably used to be attractive.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman stressed the lunch was relaxed, low key and informal allowing the Duke plenty of time to examine Mrs Middleton’s teeth and buttocks.

Prince Philip then told the mother of the bride-to-be that he understood her grandfather was a coal miner before asking her if she is as dirty as he was.

The Palace confirmed that throughout the lunch the Prince returned repeatedly to Mr Middleton’s early career in aviation.

The spokesman said: “After shaking hands he immediately asked him where the emergency exists are located and when he will be handing out the little plastic headphones.

“He then asked him if his ‘boyfriend’ is also a ‘trolley dolly’.”

The Prince also focused on the northern heritage of both Middletons before explaining to them loudly and slowly the purpose of each piece of cutlery.

The spokesman added: “Nevertheless, Prince Philip was fascinated by Mr Middleton’s career in international aviation and was very keen to find out if he had ever had sex with a Chinese woman.”