No entertainment as good as phone screen of stranger sat next to you

NO PIECE of entertainment can compete with whatever the stranger sitting next to you is looking at on their phone, it has been confirmed.

Literature, art, music and video games all pale into insignificance when some randomer is scrolling through their phone and tapping the screen in your line of sight.

Nosy woman Nikki Hollis said: “I used to breeze through books like Ulysses on my commute. Now I can barely read a sentence before deciding to watch someone I don’t know send a text or watch TikTok. It’s way more enjoyable.

“They don’t even have to be doing anything exciting like writing a sext or illegally streaming a movie. Deleting old photos of their cat or checking their steps is good enough for me. So long as they’re happy, I’m happy.

“Yes, my phone can do everything theirs can, but there’s no sense of voyeurism or a thrilling lack of control.  I can only use it to access hour after hour of quality entertainment carefully crafted by professionals. Where’s the fun in that?”

Phone user Tom Booker said: “Maybe if I draft a message that reads ‘STOP F**KING SPYING ON ME’ they’ll take the hint and go back to their novel?”

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World overdue a bullshit fad diet, scientists warn

SCIENTISTS have issued a warning that the planet is long overdue a ridiculous fad diet with no health benefits, it has emerged.

With nobody having lived through a major fad diet since the Atkins scare, scientists have warned everyone to brace themselves for the emergence of a stupid eating regime that does not make any difference.

Nutritionist Julian Cook said: “Granted, there’s been the keto diet and cases of intermittent fasting, but they’ve mainly been localised incidents. We’re on the cusp of something much bigger.

“In the worst case scenario the fad diet will attach flimsy scientific theories to a specific food. Something like: eating five Müller Corners a day brings down your blood pressure. Then before you know it riots will break out in the Sainsbury’s chiller section.

“The diet will be airborne and even spread online, meaning it’ll become a global issue within minutes. Nobody will be immune. It’ll make the popularity of lockdown banana bread look like the work of an amateur.

“We’ve got our best people monitoring food supplements in the papers for news of an outbreak, but this is a case of when, not if. Good luck everyone. You’re going to need it.”