No-one in a hurry to get to Birmingham

SUPPORT for the high speed rail link between London and Birmingham was muted yesterday as nobody really wants to go there.

The £33 billion investment will be the biggest infrastructure program since the motorway building of the late 50s that eventually led to the birth of Jeremy Clarkson in 1960.

London-based arsehole Julian Cook said: “I sometimes have to travel to North Finchley for my job and that’s unutterably dreadful enough, so the only thing that would compel me to go as far north as Birmingham is if everything south of Rugby burst into flames.

“And I can’t see the appeal for Birminghamites either, because they clearly wanted to live in a large, cosmopolitan city but somehow got it disastrously wrong so being shown around London just seems cruel.”

The government defended the scheme insisting it will encourage the building of other high-speed rail links further north but then failed to explain why that would be a good thing either.

The new trains will travel at 250 mph on the three days a year they work properly and could cut the journey to 45 minutes, barely giving passengers time to become nauseated by the smells from the malfunctioning toilets or the dining car.

Environmentalists have condemned the link on the grounds it does not involve a bamboo rickshaw ferrying passengers over fields to avoid waking up a badger.

But Cook added: “I think the main problem isn’t conservation areas or economic displacement, it’s the idea that having a high-speed rail system will make us just that little bit more French.”

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Independent Scotland could be exactly the same, warn experts

INDEPENDENCE could leave Scotland exactly the same in every way, experts warned last night.

As the SNP set out its timetable for an independence referendum, the party was dealt a devastating blow after research showed separation from the UK would make absolutely no difference whatsoever.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It will still be damp, windy and miles from everywhere.

“The Scottish people will continue to shop, drink, complain, work for the council, eat beige food and hate each other because of football, religion or some bastard hybrid of the two.

“They’ll watch the same TV programmes, mainly because they have all seen Scottish programmes and they’re not making that mistake again.

“They will also retain their baffling sense of entitlement and the government will still interfere constantly in people’s lives. The only thing that will change is that they’ll be reduced to one set of fucknuts on which to pin the blame.”

Brubaker added: “Meanwhile, the rest of the UK will also remain exactly the same, only more so.”

The Scottish National Party condemned the research as racist stereotyping and then welcomed it for proving that independence would be completely risk-free.