French get chance to vote for magnificent bastard

FRANCE has a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be ruled by a bastard of unparalleled magnificence.

Eric Cantona is giving his fellow countrymen the chance to rise above ordinary mortals and elect as their president an athlete, poet, lover and trawlerman without equal.

Cantona has written to 500 local mayors across France urging them to do the most amazing thing that anyone has ever done by nominating him, thus paving the way for the greatest government that is possible in all possible worlds.

Speaking in poetry from the top of the Arc de Triomphe, Cantona said: “Heaving the broken body of France onto his shoulders, the dawn streaming golden behind him, he crosses no man’s land and the guns fall silent.

“Commanding submission with the endless desire in his eyes, he karate kicks injustice right in the chest.”

Moments later a football with Nicolas Sarkozy’s face painted on it appeared from nowhere, but Cantona controlled it as if it was attached to his foot with a piece of elastic before volleying it into a goal 600 miles away.

As shafts of blinding white light appeared from his finger tips a million invisible church organs reached a perfectly harmonious crescendo and the Eiffel Tower bowed to him and pledged its allegiance.

Cantona then introduced celebrity endorsements from Lee Chapman, Gary McAllister and Tony Dorigo.


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Thatcher film 'not sexually violent enough'

SENIOR Conservatives have attacked the new Margaret Thatcher biopic for its ‘disturbing’ lack of sexual violence.

The Iron Lady, starring Meryl Streep as Britain’s first sexy prime minister, focuses on Thatcher’s political career but fails, according to leading Tories, to accurately depict the seething, erotic menace with which she could instantly fill a room.

Chancellor George Osborne said: “Meryl Streep never played a sexy role in her life, though I suppose hypothetically she did triple-team the blokes in Mamma Mia.

“I was thinking more Marlon Brando from Last Tango in Paris. Or maybe Ursula from The Little Mermaid.”

Former Welsh secretary John Redwood added: “Where was the Munich-style montage intercutting the sinking of the Belgrano, the invasion of Grenada and Thatcher forcing Geoffrey Howe to drink a pint of her warm urine?”

Lord Tebbit, Conservative chairman under Thatcher, recalled: “Once, her bra was clearly visible through her blouse. And she knew it. And we loved it. And that’s basically how the Poll Tax happened.”

London mayor Boris Johnson, said: “In my private moments, I dress as Maggie and ejaculate into one of her handbags that she gave me for being a good boy. Why must this film be such a massive cocktease?

“I’m going to have to nail my scrotum to the coffee table. Again.”