FRANCE has a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be ruled by a bastard of unparalleled magnificence.
Eric Cantona is giving his fellow countrymen the chance to rise above ordinary mortals and elect as their president an athlete, poet, lover and trawlerman without equal.
Cantona has written to 500 local mayors across France urging them to do the most amazing thing that anyone has ever done by nominating him, thus paving the way for the greatest government that is possible in all possible worlds.
Speaking in poetry from the top of the Arc de Triomphe, Cantona said: “Heaving the broken body of France onto his shoulders, the dawn streaming golden behind him, he crosses no man’s land and the guns fall silent.
“Commanding submission with the endless desire in his eyes, he karate kicks injustice right in the chest.”
Moments later a football with Nicolas Sarkozy’s face painted on it appeared from nowhere, but Cantona controlled it as if it was attached to his foot with a piece of elastic before volleying it into a goal 600 miles away.
As shafts of blinding white light appeared from his finger tips a million invisible church organs reached a perfectly harmonious crescendo and the Eiffel Tower bowed to him and pledged its allegiance.
Cantona then introduced celebrity endorsements from Lee Chapman, Gary McAllister and Tony Dorigo.