'No probs!': Five phrases to hide your crushing disappointment

LIFE not going your way again? Feel yourself slipping into a pit of despair? Put on a happy face by using these feelgood phrases.

‘No probs!’

Annoyingly bubbly when uttered after a minor setback, but quietly tragic after something serious like being fired. Saying ‘probs’ instead of ‘problem’ isn’t kidding anyone that you’re not totally gutted either.

‘I actually wanted this to happen’

This is an effective but also pathetic way to try to re-establish control when something terrible happens, eg. your partner leaving you for your best mate. Maybe don’t actually say it to anyone because it’s obviously not true and you’ll look a bit mad, and instead just chant it while looking at yourself in the mirror until you believe it.

‘It’s probably for the best’

Maybe there’s a hidden silver lining to whatever shit has just happened to you? The universe works in mysterious ways and it probably wants you to be happy. Although if that were true then life would be showering you with random success, hot partners and delicious takeaways delivered by mistake. So this is actually bollocks.

‘Awesome!’

Rock bottom stuff. When you don’t get the outcome you want, it’s just a feeble mouth noise to gloss over being pissed off. Also horribly dated, so people may wonder why you’re talking about being sidelined at work as if it’s the new MC Hammer album. 

‘I’m fine’

The F-bomb of false happiness. Drop it into conversation through gritted teeth when talking about your divorce. Then reassure concerned friends you’re perfectly cheerful by partying on with a litre of vodka. You are, after all, fine.

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We're buying a house so f**k you

RISHI Sunak’s new mortgage scheme could help younger people become smug homeowners. Here first-time buyer Charlotte Phelps is just f**king unbearable about it.

It must be hell for people struggling to raise a deposit, or trapped in a vicious circle of exorbitant rent. But now I’m on the property ladder, you can go f**k yourselves.

My boyfriend Dan and I have decided to unashamedly bore everyone shitless with our owning-a-house crap. And if you don’t like it, maybe your parents should have got better jobs so they can ‘lend’ you a massive deposit.

There’s just so much to talk about, from property prices in general, which will depress you if you’re not a homeowner, to specifics like buying a mixer tap, which I can happily discuss for 45 minutes. 

I’ve started rudely changing the subject of Zoom chats to our new house, but when things get back to normal I’m envisaging people slitting their wrists at dinner parties or hurling themselves through pub windows to get away from our brain-killing house chat.

Am I a sadist? Perhaps, but maybe I’m just lucky to have such a wonderful house. ‘I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful house,’ I frequently say to my friend Liz who can’t afford one. She’s actually a selfish cow because she should be happy for me instead of looking sad. 

I always said I wouldn’t become a property bore like my parents, but it’s really enjoyable. So let’s talk about my vague and uninteresting plans for an extension, or you can f**k off.