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No, you can't afford a £550 mortgage, bank tells woman paying £950 rent

A BANK has explained to a woman paying out £950 per month on rent that she cannot afford a £550 mortgage because she does not have any spare money.

Emma Bradshaw has been informed that even though she pays more than half her monthly income on the eye-gougingly expensive rent of a tiny flat, she cannot afford to pay less for a bigger property.

Bradshaw said: “It’s a fiendish mental puzzle that I can’t quite comprehend. Almost as though it makes no f**king sense whatsoever.

“I’ve saved a deposit. I’ve proof of my income. I’ve broken down my budget. According to simple maths I could afford it and treat myself to a monthly iPad. But not according to the bank.

“I went through this before the pandemic, but my pay’s gone up loads. But so have houses, apparently. And not incidentally so has my cocking rent.

“Either I’m completely stupid or the entire system’s completely f**ked and we need to destroy it, which won’t happen so I’ll end up living on the street. Or perhaps the bastard bank doesn’t think I can afford that either.”

Bradshaw’s landlord later called the bank to confirm he had been granted a seventh 100 per cent buy-to-let mortgage, and was told that was absolutely fine.

Five actual things that happened in a Reading insurance office this week vs five bullshit nothings at COP26

THIS week has been busy at both Buckle Up! Insurance in Reading and the COP26 conference in Glasgow. But which had the more concrete achievements? 

COP26: Promise to end deforestation by 2030

More than 100 leaders signed up but Brazil’s Bolsonaro wasn’t there and anyway this pledge was already made in 2014 with no discernable effect.

Buckle Up!: Reintroduced evening shift

Suspended for the pandemic, the office has returned to its old opening hours which means 12pm-8pm shifts every six weeks on a rota. Widespread whinging but it’s already started.

COP26: US and EU announce partnership to slash methane

By 30 per cent by 2030 apparently. But most methane comes from cow farts and there’s no practical solution for those yet. Nobody wants their picture next to the cow-fart headline.

Buckle Up!: Told Gary that he’s not homeworking now

It was a difficult conversation, but Gary needed to know that his distinctive unwashed scent is polluting the open-plan office. He came in the next day fresh and chastened.

COP26: South Africa to end coal reliance

South Africa is getting £6.2bn to end its reliance on coal for electricity, which it definitely will use for just that purpose and not just pocket while carrying on using the coal it’s got loads of.

Buckle Up!: Sue’s controversial expenses claim paid

An unpaid expenses claim which has been hanging over the business since July, when Sue had a too-fancy lunch, has finally been settled. A fog of distrust has lifted.

COP26: Leonardo DiCaprio attends

The Oscar-winning actor visited the conference and posed for some photos. That’s it.

Buckle Up!: The managing director’s wife’s younger sister attends

Lucy, the younger sister of the managing director’s wife, made a rare visit to the office and Kyle actually got up the courage to ask her out. They’re meeting at Cerise Bar this Saturday.

COP26: Biden blasts China and Russia for missing conference

The US president told Russia and China they were making a ‘big mistake’ for not attending. The countries in question shrugged.

Buckle Up!: Lauren gets fired 

After strutting in late again, and then admitting she’d broken Sue’s favourite mug, and a customer complaint about her attitude, Lauren got called in and fired. Actually fired. No verbal warning, no written warning, out on her arse. It’s the most exciting thing that’s happened in years.