Nobody getting harassed in Games Workshop

WOMAN are very safe in Games Workshop, it has been confirmed.

Amid sexual harassment in almost every walk of life, it was confirmed that no woman had ever been bothered in a branch of the fantasy gaming shop, with staff sometimes struggling even to make eye contact.

28-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “Some lads were making rude comments about my dress so I decided to nip into a Games Workshop. I found myself in a sort of haven from predatory behaviour.

“A nice man with an asymmetrical beard asked me if I was ‘a hobbyist’, although I didn’t initially realise he was talking to me because he was looking at the floor.

“There was another man with purple hair who was eating crisps, and a group of young kids who looked like the cast of Stranger Things but paler. They asked me if I’d like to help paint an orc.

“The only awkward moment came when I asked if they sold  Snakes & Ladders or Ludo. They politely but sternly explained that those sort of games are sold in toy shops.”

Hollis suggested anyone suffering unwanted attention from town centre males could find sanctuary in Games Workshop, and also perhaps comics shop Forbidden Planet.

She said: “It was a heart-warming experience, although I’m not sure what I’m going to do with a figurine of a ‘rat demon’ and a book called The Horus Heresy.”

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'Rich bastards using tax havens' report also claims bears defecate in woods

A REPORT revealing the use of tax havens by rich people has also shed light on the woodland toilet habits of bears.

The Paradise Papers shockingly revealed that many very wealthy people, including royals and pop stars, are more concerned about having the maximum amount of money than the ethics behind complex and boring-sounding financial practises.

Report author Tom Logan said: “It’s almost as if someone said to these money-obsessed people ‘do you want more money or less money’ and they just said ‘more money’.

“Even the Queen, who you’d never guess was into amassing material wealth from the small, modest palace she lives in. It’s all a huge surprise.”

At the end of the report, Logan added the equally shocking revelation that if a bear needs to defecate it will tend to do so in woodland, possibly in some sort of clearing.

Logan said: “Also, the Earth is round and not totally flat like you previously thought.”