Nom, and other words that revoke your status as an adult

LANGUAGE constantly evolves, but some words will forever make you sound like an overgrown child. Avoid these if you still want to be treated as a grown-up.


It is no longer 2011. Nyan cat is long dead, along with Nerdfighters and this tedious word which expresses your excitement for eating. You don’t just date yourself when you say nom, you single yourself out as an immature twat. Instead, say something more mature like ‘F**k yes, I’m bloody starving’ when your food arrives.


Once a piece of verbal grouting that fitted around proper words, vibes has developed ideas above its station. Adults of voting age are now slipping it into conversation without a hint of self-awareness or irony, and language as a whole is suffering as a result. Expect its natural Orwellian conclusion – ‘double plus vibes’ – to be socially acceptable by the end of the year.


That’s not what the internet is called. You know that’s not what the internet is called. So if you still insist on using this tiresome word then every adult privilege should be shredded before your very eyes. No more passport. No more voting papers. No more driving licence, which means you’re f**ked if you get ID’d. You’ve only got your stupid, childish self to blame.


For anyone who isn’t a member of Gen Z, this acronym means: greatest of all time. You’ll often hear it used to express appreciation of a slightly better than average Boots meal deal sandwich or whatever Marvel film has just been released. People over 25 who drop GOAT into a sentence are usually met with hate-filled, scornful expressions though, which they deserve.


A word used by young people a decade ago to mock try-hard lifestyle trends. Already hideously outdated in the ever-changing world of youth slang, cheugy is primarily used by parents of Zoomers who are trying and failing to look down with the kids. Which in itself is admittedly pretty cheugy, but that still doesn’t give you a free pass to say it.

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Man cheats on Bag for Life with slutty 30p carrier

A MAN has shunned his trusty reusable bag to begin a brazen affair with a supermarket’s expensive plastic carrier.

Stephen Malley started the illicit relationship after leaving his tattered Bag for Life in the car during an impromptu trip to Sainsbury’s and being seduced by the forbidden thrill of buying a single-use one.

Malley said: “I wasn’t looking for this. It just happened. The carrier was in the right place at the right time.

“I’m not a bad person, but I’ve got needs. A man gets bored of being good. Do you blame me for not wanting to dutifully traipse back out into the car park when the easy option was right in front of me?

“But I’m not an idiot. I know how this goes. I’ll be besotted by this new bag for a fortnight, taking it everywhere I go, beguiled by its exciting newness and the lack of dust and lint gathering in the corners.

“And then suddenly I’ll be sick of it, and I’ll use it to gather all the rubbish from inside the car and dump it in a service station bin without a second thought. But will the old Bag for Life take me back?

“Well, obviously. It’s not the same as the time I did this to my now ex-wife.”