Five subjects to swerve at all costs in a best man's speech

FRIEND getting hitched? Been given the honour of being best man? Don’t f**k it up by dragging these skeletons out of the closet.

His former sex life

Laddish tales of historical sexual conquests might have been a laugh on the stag do, but now he’s paired up for life you need to act like that time he shagged a girl he’d just met in a nightclub toilet never happened. The in-laws don’t want to imagine him having sex with anyone, especially their precious daughter, so avoid the topic altogether.

He was seeing someone else when they met

Despite the fact that his new wife was also seeing other people before they went exclusive, mentioning other women is going to lodge him in the minds of his new family as a dirty scoundrel and he’ll never be able to shake it. ‘Once a cheat, always a cheat’, they’ll whisper to each other over Christmas dinner for the next two decades, until it gets to the point where he does cheat, just to escape their judgemental muttering.

Those debauched nights out

You and his mates might think it’s brilliant when he sinks ten pints of Stella and ends the night dancing on the roof of a car with a traffic cone on his head. The in-laws won’t. Their daughter is a sheltered, gentle soul who has never been exposed to such rowdy, uncouth behaviour. Then again, they didn’t see her getting a lap dance from a male stripper after a dozen espresso martinis on her hen do.

I hope it lasts longer than his last marriage

Oh shit. He’d confided in his bride-to-be about how he had foolishly got married when he was far too young and it all went tits up inside 12 months. Trouble is, she’d never told her parents because she knew they’d consider him a waster unable to handle the solemn responsibility of holy matrimony. Which they’re doing right now. Well done, you dickhead.

Shagging the bridesmaids

Perhaps, back in the 70s and 80s, you might have got away with a seedy joke about wanting to have sex with the bride’s closest and most treasured friends. But times have changed and now you’ll just sound like an absolute creep and make the groom look like he’s got a best mate who should be on some kind of register. Just say they look lovely, and leave it at that. They’ll be more likely to actually sleep with you that way.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

School holidays begin at unsustainable treat rate

PARENTS everywhere are beginning the six-week summer holidays at a rate of effort, fun and treats that will swiftly prove unsustainable.

Children are being taken on days out, given ice-creams and indulged with creative play by parents who seemingly have no idea how quickly their reserves of cash and energy will be exhausted.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “We’ve finally got time together as a family, so let’s pack every day with togetherness. We’ll never get a second chance at summer 2023.

“I’m sure I won’t be flagging after a fun swim, clay session and board game in the first day. And the forest trail, pizza party and movie night tomorrow. And then there’s the whole week, and another weekend, then five more weeks and weekends.

“But it’s not going to end up like last year, with me lying on the sofa ordering them back on the Xbox if they dare take a break from Minecraft when I’m endlessly scrolling my phone. This year will be different.”

Nine-year-old Grace Bradford said: “I’m as stuffed with sweets as a piñata and wildly overstimulated. I’ve done weeks of school discos and summer fairs and residential trips and now I come home to this shit?

“If I can maintain a constant level of sullen ingratitude this should all be over by Tuesday. It’s for her own good.”