Subscribe

'Norfolk: a place for disgrace and exile' is county's new slogan

RESIDENTS of Norfolk are delighted their county has been chosen as the location where a disgraced sex case is to live out his miserable, banished life. 

The flat, waterlogged county already boasts of being a haven for inbred simpletons and will now be the home of the former prince Andrew for the next 20 to 30 years, enhancing its reputation further.

Resident James Bates said: “Oh good. Now we’re ‘Norfolk: home of human landfill’.

“Seriously, he couldn’t have gone back to the Falklands? He knows the territory and there’s nothing he can molest down there but sheep. Why here?

“Yes, Sandringham is here, but you’re not telling me Charles doesn’t have property in every county. When did we stop using Wales to house God’s little mistakes? You can barely make it out of there even in a car.”

Susan Traherne, leader of Norfolk council, said: “Lovely, now ‘Norfolk: when you can’t think of anywhere worse’ can replace our previous slogan, the passive-aggressive ‘Your folk ain’t Norfolk’.

“My husband held a pitchfork on the photo for that one. Also my uncle and my half-brother.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Could he not be called 'Andrew' as well? ask Britain's Andrews

THE nation’s Andrews have asked King Charles if he could also change his brother’s first name to avoid the association.

People with the same name as the former Prince are begging for Andrew to be stripped of his first name as well as his titles to avoid potential mix-ups and them feeling sleazy.

Andrew Bishop from Kent said: “I wish His Majesty would put himself in our shoes. How would he like to share the same name as a world-famous alleged sex offender?

“It was fine when the media could refer to him as ‘the prince’ or the Duke of York or even the Earl of Inverness, whatever that is. People knew exactly who they were talking about when it came to Epstein. Plain old Andrew could be any of us. 

“I’ve already had to stop going to Pizza Express and wearing antiperspirant. Unless he’s renamed it’s going to get worse. I might have to start using my middle name Horatio.”

Andrew Booker from Surrey said: “If the King doesn’t change Andrew’s name we’ll all have to change ours via deed poll. And the last thing he needs right now is an admin scandal on top of everything else.

“How about harking back to the family’s Germanic roots and calling him Adolf? The damage has already been done to that name so nobody will be affected.”

Next story ›