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I'm totally anonymous now. I could be right behind you and you'd never know. By Andrew

THEY’VE taken it all away from me. My Princehood, my Dukedom, my HRH. And now I’m completely anonymous. I could be anywhere. I could be in the room with you now.

Yes, my brother and nephew have deprived me of everything that once made me special. My medals and my Order of the Garter? No longer mine. And in doing so they’ve freed me.

I’m anyone now. Just one more red-faced older man, vaguely recognisable but you can’t put your finger on it. I can mingle with crowds. I can rub up against strangers on Tube trains. I can walk slowly past the fence at netball practice.

There’s no gilded carriage transporting me, nor courtier announcing my arrival. I slip into rooms unnoticed. You’ll only know there’s a figure standing in the shadows by my heavy breathing.

Oh, they’ve put me in Norfolk, but I can leave. As far as the local police are concerned, I’m any thick-set pensioner sipping an Earl Grey at the back of Costa with a good view of all the young mothers sitting with their babies. Babies that will soon feed.

I’m 65, I’ve got a bus pass. The whole country’s within my reach. On Monday I might be in Leeds outside one of those gyms where they run in the windows. Tuesday? A Cardiff nightclub. Thursday? There’s a new starter in your office, and he needs Janine to help him with the printer.

The shackles of royalty are gone. I have been granted the freedom of the UK, and I intend to use it. Thanks, brother. I knew you had my best interests at heart.

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'I like a larger Harley Quinn': Your guide to getting laid at comic conventions

LONDON recently hosted Comic Con, and such events are heaving with people cosplaying characters you may well fancy. Here’s how to pull your own Poison Ivy or Kylo Ren. 

Say: ‘I like a larger Harley Quinn’

Sadly you are going to have to compromise on attractiveness when characters are played by the likes of Margot Robbie and Chris Hemsworth. Although really Harley should be seriously overweight in the films due to her extremely poor impulse control causing her to overeat. They should change that.

Don’t expect too much from conversations

Fictional characters tend to say memorable things like ‘Use the Force, Luke!’ but your potential shag won’t have a scriptwriter, so don’t expect conversations to have the same gravitas. And to be fair, we only see Obi-Wan at moments of high drama, so the rest of the time he’s probably saying things like: ‘Where are the toilets, Anakin?’ 

Say: ‘Would you mind taking your mask off?’

However much you love Boba Fett, Lady Deadpool or Spider-Man, check what they actually look like before intercourse. You don’t want to get to your hotel room and discover the person you subconsciously assumed would look like Tobey Maguire actually looks like Toby Young.

Take the opportunity to act out your saddest fantasies 

Comic conventions are attended by fans of a wide range of franchises. So if your troubled libido has ever wanted a threesome with Ygritte from Game of Thrones and Alyx from Half-Life, this is your best, and indeed only, chance. The fact that it makes f**k all sense just makes it hotter. 

Say: ‘I bet guys tell you you look like Mara Jade all the time’

You are in nerd world so adapt your chat-up strategy accordingly. Jokes about ‘Earth-1218’ and compliments based on the Thrawn Trilogy are fine, while a knowledge of Fallout lore will make you look intelligent. Sadly that means you’ve got some ballsaching research to do if you want sex. Still, there’s only 130 hours of Star Trek: The Next Generation to catch up on.

It’s probably fine to blurt out their character name during sex

Saying the name of someone who isn’t the person you’re shagging is usually frowned upon, but can it really hurt in these circumstances? If they went to the trouble of making a costume and spending a weekend in a shitty conference venue, surely they want to be Sue Storm all the time? And, sad as it is, not many blokes will object to being called ‘Starlord’ during sex.

Practise safe sex 

For some reason comic conventions aren’t regarded as hotbeds of sexual activity, but it’s still important to practise safe sex. Plan ahead and be sure to use a condom. We know it’s easy to forget when you’re tearing off each other’s Ant-Man and the Wasp costumes.

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