North reminded once again that it supposedly loves brass bands

NORTHERNERS are once again being confronted with the brass bands they are supposed to enjoy in every town and shopping centre. 

From Blackpool to Cleethorpes, every square echoes with the sound of the least popular section of the orchestra parping a selection of festive favourites while passers-by grit their teeth and assume someone else is enjoying it.

Tom Booker of Ashton-under-Lyne said: “Oh, they’re back. Well, part and parcel of living here I suppose. Got to take the rough with the smooth.

“I know they’re very important to our culture because of the miners or the Whit walks or something, and well, yes, there they are. That was Once In Royal David’s City? I’d never have guessed.

“Piano’s lovely. I always enjoy the sound of a string quartet. You can’t beat a choir. But for some reason we get these red-faced buggers in uniform trying to reproduce a tune on instruments never designed to carry one.

“Still, I’m Northern and they’re Northern so it is what it is. I’ll put a fiver in their trombone case. Keep the flame alive.”

Tuba player Joseph Turner said: “Oh fuck, we’re coining it in. They bloody love this shit. I’ve no idea why.”

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Social media 'distorts truth' says man who used bus covered in lies

SOCIAL media ‘distorts’ the truth, according to a man who duped millions of people with a big red bus covered in deliberate lies.

Michael Gove attacked users of Facebook and Twitter for ‘corrupting and distorting’ facts and did so with a straight face, it was confirmed.

Eyewitness Tom Logan said: “I just stood there watching him thinking, ‘is he out of his mind?’.

“Is he a bit like Gollum, with one half of his personality convincing the other half that he’s telling the truth?

“He does look a bit like Gollum, but I don’t think that’s it.

“I think he’s just a devious little shit.”