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North to be given pie instead

THE North has seen all plans for upgrades for rail travel scrapped but is instead to be given a lovely hot meat pie. 

The government has cancelled the Leeds leg of the East-Midlands HS2 rail link and transferred all Northern Powerhouse rail funding to London which needs it more, but has pledged up to £35 for a pie with a golden, flaky crust. 

Transport minister Grant Shapps said: “We’re not talking about some fancy Southern pie with herbs and nonsense in it. Just a good, old-fashioned tasty pie. 

“And that’s not all. There’s a lovely jug of gravy to go with it, and proper chips fried in lard, and mushy peas. Because we know what you want. 

“Who wants to get the train south, anyway? There’s nothing down there for honest, straight-talking folk, just poofs who wear coats in winter. And Lord knows it wouldn’t get any use coming the other way. 

“A train link by 2040? Northerners haven’t got the life expectancy for that. Why fuss over nothing when this pie’s sitting here waiting for you after your long day down the cotton mills? And it’s all on the Tories. You like us now.” 

Bill McKay of Bolton said: “I knew a man went to London. The trains were packed, cost a fortune and every bugger on them was listening to podcasts. You know where you are with a pie.”

The driver's essential guide to abusive hand gestures

SIGNALLING to other motorists is an integral aspect of driving, and some intentions can only be expressed through hand gestures. Here’s a guide to the important ones.

V-sign

The default British hand gesture, using the index and middle fingers to form a ‘V’. Delivered with an abrasive ‘F**k you!’, it is the perfect response to idiotic manoeuvres, thieving bastards who steal the last parking space, or abuse for your own shitty driving.

Middle finger

Hollywood’s number one abusive gesture, where the middle finger is raised on its own, or comically ‘wound up’ by the other hand. Do not accompany with comments, such as: ‘Swivel!’, ‘Sit on it!’, or ‘Up yours, buddy!’. It lessens the gesture’s intended dramatic effect and is simply gilding the lily

Gobshite

When verbal abuse arises, suggest the offended driver may be a ‘gobshite’. Slowly shake your head and tap your fingers and thumb together, as if commenting through an invisible sock puppet. This gesture informs the other driver of his faecal oral output. Also mutter ‘Want to make something of it?’ but drive off before your courage is put to the test.

Loser sign

Placing a right-angled thumb and index finger to the forehead indicates that the object of this gesture is simply a loser. Whether it’s in driving, life, or love, is for the receiver of the gesture to determine. Note: take care to use the right hand for direct gesturing, left hand for the rear-view mirror.

Wanker shake

The Sunday roast with all the trimmings of abusive gestures. This simple circling of the thumb and index finger, pivoting back and forth from the wrist, is usually reserved for incompetent male motorists. Think twice before using on catastrophically narcissistic sports car drivers, as this gesture may be taken as a compliment on their large penis.