THE North has seen all plans for upgrades for rail travel scrapped but is instead to be given a lovely hot meat pie.
The government has cancelled the Leeds leg of the East-Midlands HS2 rail link and transferred all Northern Powerhouse rail funding to London which needs it more, but has pledged up to £35 for a pie with a golden, flaky crust.
Transport minister Grant Shapps said: “We’re not talking about some fancy Southern pie with herbs and nonsense in it. Just a good, old-fashioned tasty pie.
“And that’s not all. There’s a lovely jug of gravy to go with it, and proper chips fried in lard, and mushy peas. Because we know what you want.
“Who wants to get the train south, anyway? There’s nothing down there for honest, straight-talking folk, just poofs who wear coats in winter. And Lord knows it wouldn’t get any use coming the other way.
“A train link by 2040? Northerners haven’t got the life expectancy for that. Why fuss over nothing when this pie’s sitting here waiting for you after your long day down the cotton mills? And it’s all on the Tories. You like us now.”
Bill McKay of Bolton said: “I knew a man went to London. The trains were packed, cost a fortune and every bugger on them was listening to podcasts. You know where you are with a pie.”