How to stop your kids getting into Harry f**king Potter

IT’S the 20th anniversary of the release of the first Harry Potter film this week. Here’s how to stop your kids making you go through all that tedious magical nonsense again.

Take your old copies to the charity shop

You’ve probably still got all the books collecting dust on a shelf somewhere because you haven’t been arsed to get rid of them. As soon as your kids are able to read independently, get them to the nearest charity shop, along with that well-thumbed copy of Lady Chatterley’s Lover.

Get them into something edgier

If you have young kids, they’ll find the Harry Potter films exciting and a bit scary. To allow them this thrill without you having to sit through 20 hours of bullshit with owls and broomsticks, why not show them The Texas Chainsaw Massacre? It’ll put them off watching telly for years.

Switch off the wifi at Christmas

Harry Potter films tend to appear on the telly at Christmas so do yourself a favour and pretend the wifi is broken and nothing can be streamed. You’ll saddle yourself with dull games of Monopoly but it can’t be more tedious than watching Rupert Grint hamfistedly wave a stick around.

Pretend to be an angry, book-burning Christian

Even if you shield your child from Harry Potter, it doesn’t mean their friends won’t introduce them to it. Get in there first by telling to your kid’s friend’s parents that the books are full of Satanic references that offend your Christian sensibilities and if you ever find one of them in your house you will burn it.

Tell them magic is made-up bollocks

It’s nice that children believe in fairies and house elves and stuff, but it’s also a colossal pain in the arse if they insist you read them seven massive books full of that shit. Tell them Santa isn’t real and magic is made up bollocks at the age of three and save yourself years of hassle.

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Commitment-phobic boyfriend refuses to enter into satanic blood oath

A WOMAN is frustrated that her long-term partner has yet again refused to show his commitment to their relationship by proposing an unholy blood pact.

Though the couple have been together for several years, share a flat and are talking about children, 28-year-old Francesca Johnson’s boyfriend Tom Booker is still reluctant to surrender their twinned souls to Beelzebub.

Johnson said: “We’ve got friends who haven’t been together half the time we have rushing to the satanic altar and I’m stuck referring to him as my ‘boyfriend’ like we’re teenagers.

“I’m trying to play it cool but I sometimes wonder if I shouldn’t break it off and find someone who’s prepared to slit our wrists with ritual daggers and dedicate the remainder of our lives to be vessels for His diabolical agenda.

“I know it’s ridiculous, but does Tom even love me? Because if he did we’d be eternally damned by now.”

Booker said: “I love Fran, I’m not even looking at any other of the Horned One’s brides, but we’re still young, you know? I still want to learn how to scuba dive before she’s carrying the Beast from Revelation who will bring Armageddon to Earth.

“I’m not going to be pressured into pledging my life to Satan because all our mates are. I’m sorry, I’m a traditional guy and I take the spilling of blood in Lucifer’s name seriously.”