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What a wheelbarrow full of tenners will buy you this time next year

WORRIED about inflation? Let economic expert Martin Bishop explain what thousands and thousands of pounds will buy you in 2022: 

A loaf of bread

Not the fancy shit with seeds in or the fresh-baked granary loaves. No, your wheelbarrow stuffed with banknotes will get you one of those half-loaves of white bread for single people once it’s been marked down for going stale. As long as you can battle past the other wheelbarrow-wielders to get it.

A Freddo bar

The stability of the economy is measured by the price of Freddo bars, and in 2022 they’ll cost £48,000. You’ll think this pretty extortionate because they were 10p when you were a kid, but by the time you reach the till the price will have trebled and you’ll be pining for the good old days of 45 seconds ago.

A single element of a Boots meal deal

Once a full meal deal was within an ordinary person’s reach. Now only Elon Musk can afford to assemble a sandwich, bag of crisps and bottle of water in a single lunchtime. You, with a mere wheelbarrow of cash, can only afford the Flame Grilled Steak McCoys which are the best bit anyway.

A copy of the Daily Star

By late 2022, a copy of Britain’s lowest-brow tabloid will be as out of reach to the man in the street as a trip to the Library of Alexandria was to a Celtic tribesman 2,300 years ago. The showbiz gossip gleaned from its pages will be passed on by the oral tradition, like the sagas of Homer but about Emily Atack’s dates with Jack Grealish.

A piss in a train station

You thought paying 40p for a slash in a train station was bad? By next November urinating while travelling one will be a luxury enjoyed by only the privileged elite. Watch Sir Philip Green swan in there to relieve himself while you wet your pants in public then trudge home, leaving a trail of urine footprints, with your useless £300,000.

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Drive a fast car

There’s nothing that swells my loveshark more than sliding behind the wheel of my £180k Lamborghini Huracan. If you can’t afford my ride then you can manage with a Merc, an entry-level Mazda MX-5 or even a pimped-out Honda Civic. As long as it gives you that Big Dick Energy.

Own a big house

A house isn’t a cock, but if I’m honest it’s more practical and women prefer it. Plus you can send pictures of it on Tinder and it doesn’t get in the papers. Location is as important as size. A massive house in Scunthorpe is like a massive knob in Scunthorpe: no use to anybody. I imagine. I’ve never been.

Wear expensive clothes

There’s nothing like swishing about in Dior jeans and a Margiela jacket to make you feel like you’re packing a major rod. Just standing in my walk-in wardrobe surrounded by designer gives me that heavy cock confidence. No, I don’t keep them at my aunt’s house now. F**k off.

Have multiple pop hits

If you’re being brought down by genitals that resemble a Yuletide winter berry arrangement, try making millions from a string of hit pop songs over seven years then getting up on stage to perform them in front of a cheering crowd of thousands. Really gives you that proud dick feeling.

Have your own Channel 4 home design show

I really can’t recommend anything better for the wellbeing of your old gentleman than presenting your own home design show on Channel 4 on a Wednesday evening. Such a flex. I’m strutting in front of those cameras like John Wayne with elephantiasis of the scrotum. You can definitely tell.