Most important man in the world puts out-of-office response on for afternoon off

THE most important man in recorded history has set an out-of-office auto-response on his email for 1pm until 6pm today. 

Marketing manager Julian Cook is leaving the office at lunchtime for dental work but, aware that the business he works for and Western civilisation would crumble if he was absent without explanation, set an out-of-office to reassure the world.

He said: “I am the linchpin. Without me, the machinery of late-stage capitalism stutters to a halt. It was my solemn duty to set that warning.

“If someone emails me and doesn’t get a response within 30 minutes, there’s no telling what hell could break loose. Panic on the markets, runs on the banks, the total collapse of global supply chains.

“Without my crucial expertise and inspiring leadership, everything is at risk. It’s not easy being the sole reason the cogs keep turning, but I accept the responsibility. Who else?

“I explained the situation as best as I could in the out-of-office, but also left my mobile number in case of emergencies. Unfortunately, when you’re as vital as I am, you can never fully switch off.”

When Cook returns to work tomorrow morning, he will catch up on on one email about after-work drinks and another about the upcoming replacement of a printer on the third floor.

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Johnson restricts MPs' second jobs to Telegraph columnist, writing Shakespeare book or Mayor of London

THE prime minister has announced that the only jobs MPs are allowed from now on are Telegraph columnist, writing books about Shakespeare or Mayor of London. 

Boris Johnson has vowed to stamp out sleaze by banning MPs from consultancies, lobbying or any jobs that do not involve guesting on Have I Got News For You or speaking at the GQ awards.

He said: “Obviously certain positions enrich not only the individual but the very humours of Parliament, for example writing a weekly column for a right-leaning broadsheet stoking resentment about the EU. That’s to the whole nation’s benefit.

“And if a sitting MP, even one with a key ministerial position, were to write books about great Englishmen like Churchill or Shakespeare for 800 grand a time it would be churlish to stop him.

“Nor should we be short-changing our constituents with time-hungry second jobs. I was in my last year as Mayor when I became an MP so I could do it in my sleep by then. An hour a week running a major metropolis is plenty.

“But roles such as consultant to a sausage manufacturer where the politician is always hanging around the Commons harking on about sausages? They can go. I don’t do any of those.”

Backbench MP Denys Finch Hatton said: “Typical of the prick. Now all I’ll have is the £2,000 a week I make dealing coke for Gove.”