THE most important man in recorded history has set an out-of-office auto-response on his email for 1pm until 6pm today.
Marketing manager Julian Cook is leaving the office at lunchtime for dental work but, aware that the business he works for and Western civilisation would crumble if he was absent without explanation, set an out-of-office to reassure the world.
He said: “I am the linchpin. Without me, the machinery of late-stage capitalism stutters to a halt. It was my solemn duty to set that warning.
“If someone emails me and doesn’t get a response within 30 minutes, there’s no telling what hell could break loose. Panic on the markets, runs on the banks, the total collapse of global supply chains.
“Without my crucial expertise and inspiring leadership, everything is at risk. It’s not easy being the sole reason the cogs keep turning, but I accept the responsibility. Who else?
“I explained the situation as best as I could in the out-of-office, but also left my mobile number in case of emergencies. Unfortunately, when you’re as vital as I am, you can never fully switch off.”
When Cook returns to work tomorrow morning, he will catch up on on one email about Christmas drinks and another about the upcoming replacement of a printer on the third floor.