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Why you're not paying enough rent, by your twat of a landlord

AS your landlord I have a duty of care to my bank account, and that’s why you’re spending over half your income to live in my tiny, shit flat. Here’s why it’s going up: 

It’s your responsibility to pay my mortgages

This seems to me obvious. When I’ve got a portfolio of 20 properties I can’t afford to hand out favours, and by stepping over the threshold of one of those properties you’ve taken on the responsibility to pay off a fraction of that debt for me. It sickens me that you’re trying to wriggle out of that.

You have your very own box room

I’ve gifted to you a bedroom which could double as a coffin within a shared flat that was once half a floor of a big house, badly subdivided into many small L-shaped compartments. This is, frankly, a huge luxury and luxury costs.

I once arranged for something to be fixed after being hassled for months

Remember in February, when I organised for one of the 10 maintenance problems you email to me every week to be half-arsedly attended to? So I’ll need a 15 per cent increase in rent to reflect my tireless work. Ok, it didn’t ‘actually get fixed’ but that is not my problem.

There is at least one appliance

Yes, the fridge I have kindly provided to you at my own expense had 12 owners before it came here, has never been cleaned and doesn’t really chill as such, but you’ve got a fridge haven’t you? Stop moaning about ‘potential biological hazards’. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s ingratitude.

You still have money left

I’ve seen you, eating Aldi cereal and watching your parents’ Netflix. You’re living the high life and it’s selfish. It’s only right that I take all your spare income, not just the vast majority of it. If you’re not spending the last week of your month surviving on mere dust and a healthy dose of panic then you’ve got too much money. Give it to me.

Six bollocks herbal remedies that aren't as effective as a lie down and a Stella

WHEN doctors prescribe fluids and rest, they mean consuming lager in a horizontal position. Not this nonsense hippies try to convince you will do a better job:

For a sore throat, Manuka honey

Manuka honey is infused with a special extra word on the label which endows it with the property of costing fifty quid a jar. A lie down and a few cans, however, numb your throat so completely you can even manage a few bong hits. Now that’s medicine.

For nausea, peppermint aromatherapy

Some people claim a minty smell stops them feeling queasy. But they’ve never heard of the common-sense medical treatment of ‘better out than in’. A tactical chunder is a necessary part of the beer/bedrest combo and you’ll feel much better for it.

For anxiety, St John’s Wort

Why eat bits of flowers to calm down, when a lovely comforting drink will do the same thing without all the fuss of going to Holland & Barrett? Sure, it’ll postpone your anxiety at best and you’ll wake up at 5am in a nervous sweat, but that’s what the rest of the cans are for.

For headaches, gluten-free oats

It’s possible that migraine is being caused by a previously undiscovered gluten allergy, but then necking six Stellas usually leads to you inhaling half the contents of a Greggs and your body seems to be able to tolerate that no trouble.

For high blood pressure, garlic capsules

A few milligrams here and there might well regulate blood pressure. But better to tackle the problem at its source and soothe that stress with a view of the TV rotated 90 degrees, complete with yeasty burps. Save the garlic for Dracula.

For constipation, senna tea

This plant compound could very well give digestive relief. But the morning after a night drinking Stellas sideways? You get the picture.