Northern Lights ‘are Daily Mail reader LSD’

THE Aurora Borealis is the closest the average Daily Mail reader will ever get to a psychedelic experience, they have confirmed.

Across middle England, men in Blue Harbour and women in Per Una have spent the night gazing skyward and mouthing ‘Wow, the colours’ at each other.

Roy Hobbs of Derby said: “The wife and I were out in the garden for ages and I turned to her and said ‘This isn’t working. We’ve been ripped off.’

“But as I said it her face turned an unearthly green, and I looked up to see the sky full of shimmering illumination.

“As I watched it dance around the sky I realised that my day-to-day concerns – the mortgage, the Honda Civic, that teacher at Jonathan’s school with the suspicious beard – were as nothing compared to the majesty of our cosmos.

“Then I saw next door’s cat crapping in our herbaceous border and got the hosepipe out.”

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Budget to focus on growth, jobs and old, greedy bastards tempted to vote UKIP

GEORGE Osborne has hinted that today’s Budget will be for business, growth and vile pensioners who want lots of free stuff.

In his last Budget before the election, the chancellor is expected to unveil a series of targeted measures to stop millions of greedy old people voting with their horrible, xenophobic gut.

The chancellor said: “For every immigrant you think is trying to kill you, I will give you one of these brand new pound coins.

“Every time you are disappointed by a garden centre cafe – that’s another pound coin.

“And every time you see ‘some manky little tart, prancing down the high street like she owns the place’, that’s two pound coins and a voucher for something that will keep for at least a month.”

Osborne added: “Nigel Farage is married to a German.”

Meanwhile, the Budget will also include a key statement on oil revenues designed to make the SNP look idiotic.

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